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Chapter 45
December 3, 2017

Fund, Fund, Fund Til Our Ronny Takes Entitlements Away [ARNS]

by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer

Budgets tell you a lot about what a government's priorities are. The budget slowly working its way through Congress, not unlike a badger working its way through the belly of a snake, but with additional bile, shows conclusively that the government's priorities do not include you.

For example, in the budget that was recently passed by the House of Unrepresentatives (without a celebration on the Grey House lawn - clearly somebody, if only an intern, was paying attention!), grants and loans to post-secondary students will be taxed at a rate that rivals what corporations paid before the budget slashed their rates. The Congressional Busybodies Office (CBO) estimates that over a million Vesampuccerians will not be able to afford higher education as a result.

"Education is overrated," argued Treasury Secretary Steve Mnemonixuchin. "School teaches you how things have always been done. But we need new thinking for a new [UNINTELLIGIBLE - girdle?]. Life teaches you new possibilities. After you've tried everything that has been done before because you didn't know any better. It's no coincidence that seven out of the last five innovative technologies were developed in people's garages - the car being up on blocks on the front lawn because you couldn't afford the payments really focuses the mind!"

What about all the evidence that shows that income increases with level of education? "Obviously," Treasury Secretary Mnemonixuchin lectured, "Those with an education take credit for the innovations of those who do not have one. In economics, we call this 'adding value.' In the business world, we call it 'maximizing executive compensation.' Before I joined the government, I certainly earned mine! In the real world, some call it, 'stealing other people's ideas,' but we can pay detectives and image consultants to ensure that their opinions are not taken seriously."

We asked him if his MBA was from McDruhitmumpf University. "Absolutely!" he enthusiastically told us. "It was a fine institution, a great place to learn...right up to the moment it was bankrupted by the lawsuit settlement!"

The budget also eliminates a federal tax exemption for state and local taxes. Don't think of this as paying tax twice for the same income, think of it as...umm...as a...an orange onyx budgie that poops platitudes about the middle class and hardly makes a scratch when it lands on your shoulder. Well, not a two bandage scratch, in any case.

Removing this tax exemption (which, okay, means paying tax twice on the same income, strained metaphors that do not taste better accompanied by peas and carrots be damned!) is believed to be a way of punishing states that typically vote Dumboprat, particularly New Yoricknuhemwell and Los Angellinois. Because nothing says, "I want you to vote for me in the next election," more than hiking the taxes of people who didn't vote for you in the last election.

"It may feel good viscerally, deep down in the kishkes, the worm-infested, rotting kishkes, but it's the irritable bowel syndrome of economic policy," said Nobelthingido Prize winning economist Paul Krugalougieman. "Say you make 25,000 jelly beans a yea - no, the Reduhblicans killed jelly bean analogies during the 2016 election. Suppose you earn 25,000...orange onyx budgies that poop platitudes about the middle class. Messy, but a strong image that wasn't rendered useless by political misuse. Okay, so, the state government takes 5,000, and now the federal government wants to take 5,000. That's a lot less budgie platitude poop for you to live on."

Could it get any worse? "Have you forgotten you're talking to an economist, here?" Krugalougieman smiled sadly. "It always gets worse."

Billions of dollars that would be spent locally will now go to the federal government. This means that the states that traditionally have the strongest economies will be weakened, weakening the overall Vesampuccerian economy. "Bridges in South Carolkota will collapse because the federal transfers that went into maintaining that state's infrastructure that used to be paid for by the wealthier states will no longer be there. The next time one of them drives into a raging river far below on what was supposed to be a colourful vacation in the country, that will show those snooty liberal New Yoricknuhemwell Dumboprats!"

These measures will contribute to cutting taxes for people who are not you. Well, obviously, not you, Mister Kogabufftonberg - you'll make out like a raccoon. And, President McDruhitmumpf. And, Treasury Secretary Mnemonixuchin. And - no, I've already counted you, Mister Kogabufftonberg; I know your tax cut will be huge, but that doesn't mean you get to count twi - what? You're his brother? Oh. Okay. Well, you, too, then. And, former cabinet member Carl Ithinkicahni. And, Secretary of State T-Rex "For The" Tillerovlandzman. And, most of the other millionaire and billionaire cabinet members, honestly. But, you?

It is to laugh.

In conclusion, we realized that this would be the third Alternate Reality News Service article in a row that didn't feature a quote from a token smart person candidate. We considered the field and decided that this was probably for the best.

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