December 3, 2017
If Children Are the Hope of the Future, I Need to Spend More Time in the Past! [ARNS]
by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Krystalle McDruhitmumpf looked beautiful in her sheath-like, off the shoulder (but never off the cuff - she's very poised that way) white dress by Oliver Queen; what immediately caught the eye was that she was wearing enough pearls to choke a rhinoceros. Krystalle moved through the group of cabinet members, freely offering canapes and advice (her analysis of the Israeli/Arab conflict had Secretary of State T-Rex "For The" Tillerovlandzman's undivided attention, although he may just have been grateful that somebody was willing to acknowledge his existence). Once in a while (about every 90 seconds), she would walk over to her dad, United States of Vesampucceri President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, roll her eyes and sigh, "Oh, dad!" There is no evidence that he ever listened to her youthful rebuke, and once - when he was boasting about how his health care reform would "improve the country bigly" - he gave her an annoyed look.
Still, Krystalle McDruhitmumpf is doing pretty good for a seven year-old.
Owing to some archaic old fuddy duddy laws against nepotism, it would be illegal for President McDruhitmumpf to appoint Krystalle to an official position in his cabinet. However, unofficially, anything goes in the McDruhitmumpf Grey House, and it goes to a variety of very official functions.
Photographs of President McDruhitmumpf's first intelligence briefing, for example, show Krystalle McDruhitmumpf sitting on the couch next to him, daintily sipping a cherry cola through a pink bendy straw. Sources at the meeting say that at one point she leaned over to her father and whispered, "Daddy, I don't like the way the Ambassador from Yemen looks. He looks funny. Mean funny."
President McDruhitmumpf is reported to have responded, "Don't you worry, sweetheart. Daddy will make sure that nobody from that country - or others in the area - will ever come to Vesampucceri and hurt you."
And you thought the President's travel ban was developed after a long, hard, careful consideration of the facts!
When photos of that first intelligence briefing surfaced, some critics of the Grey House wondered if Krystalle McDruhitmumpf had been vetted to hear classified information. "You kidding me?" President McDruhitmumpf exploded. "You think my seven year-old daughter could be a national security risk? You think she's some kind of spy for IWISH? Are you mental? She's just about to get her first pair of braces!"
There have also been questions about Krystalle McDruhitmumpf's using her non-position position (if that's not a moron oxymoron) to further her own career. It's no coincidence that to celebrate the appointment of Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic as Attorney General, she threw a slumber party where everybody was "encouraged" to wear pyjamas that she had designed and was marketing under her "Bipartisan Bumph" label.
"Remember when politicians and their close family members were not allowed to profit from the office the y held?" asked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam wistfully, like she was thinking of her first love or her second chocolate bar. "Yeah, we've come a long way in such a short time..."
When he heard the accusation, President McDruhitmumpf went ballistic (figuratively, not literally, although give him time...). "You think my daughter is some kind of profiteer...ess? She's barely out of diapers! I could tell you stories about nannies wiping her bottom with talcum powder...if I had actually been paying attention to any of them!" After a moment, he chucklingly added, "My baby making money off my power and reputation? The poison apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?"
Even more questions (this unidentified asker certainly is inquisitive!) have been raised about Krystalle McDruhitmumpf's support for her father's policy agenda. At the same time that he was campaigning to Make Vesmpucceri Great Again by buying Vesampuccerian, companies that had paid to brand their clothing line with her name were manufcatruring the clothes in China. During the campaign alone, companies that used the Krystalle McDruhitmumpf brand imported two tonnes of ladies' polyester pyjama outfits, 1,600 cowhide leather hoodies and 23 tonnes of floppy bunny-ear footwear. That's a lot of floppy bunny-ear footwear to manufacture in a Communist.
"Daaaaaad!" Krystalle McDruhitmumpf complained. "The media is picking on me again!"
Later that night, President McDruhitmumpf tweeted: "media going after children of famous people. Should be criminal!!! Bad, media! BAD!"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam shook her head in wonder. "It's like...his world-view is hermetically sealed," she goggled. "No amount of reason or facts can penetrate it!"
"Bad media get spanked!" Krystalle McDruhitmumpf wisely advised.