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Chapter 45
December 3, 2017

The Daily Me - Alison Oubliette

Thank you, Alison Oubliette, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, while we were listening to "What Do You Mean?" on headphones we came across a study that suggests that psychopaths don't listen to classical music, they listen to Eminem and Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber? No, not the Beebs! We're going to have to track down the people who conducted the study, kill their dog, burn their house down and frame them for the murder of a perfect stranger. Nobody - and we mean nobody - connects Justin Bieber to psychopa -

What? The study has not appeared in a peer reviewed journal and may not be replicable? Oh. Ah. Well...we hate to get all Emily Litella on readers' asses, but...

The Daily Me Staff

Real Estate In Heaven Must Have Dropped Dramatically In Value Since Trump Became President

SOURCE: T-dot ts


Report Doesn't Say If Moose Was Tagged...By Graffiti Artists To Better Fit Into Its Urban Milieu

After a three day search, the Ministry of Natural Resources and Forestry has announced that a moose that had been running around Toronto has been tranquilized and captured, to be returned to its natural habitat.

"We would have gotten it sooner," said Ministry spokesperson Jolanta Kowalski, "but it had the habit of freezing whenever somebody looked at it, making them think they were just looking at those plaster mooses that were spread around the city a few years ago. Who knew that moose knew how to camouflage themselves?"

SOURCE: Toronto Stunned


Competition Between Antisocial Networks Is Fierce

Facebook is still allowing people to place discriminatory housing ads that exclude users by race. Cadbury chocolates maker Mondelez International Inc., Lidl Stiftung U Co. KG, Mars Inc. and other consumer good marketers have pulled advertising from YouTube after The Times newspaper found the video-sharing site was showing clips of scantily clad children alongside the ads of the major brands. Comments from hundreds of pedophiles were posted alongside the videos, which appeared to have been uploaded by the children themselves...

"This was a failure in our enforcement and we're disappointed that we fell short of our commitments," [VP Product Management Ami] Vora said. "The rental housing ads...should have but did not trigger the extra review and certification that we put in place due to a technical failure." In response, a YouTube spokesman said: "There shouldn't be any ads running on this content and we are working urgently to fix this."

SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups


If You Need To Use More Than Three Of Them, You Really Ought To Consider A Career Change

Nine ways to stay motivated when work becomes a grind

1. Imagine burning your office to the ground; try to figure out where all of the matches around your desk have gone.
2. Hack into your boss' emails to see if he is shorting company stock, badmouthing the CEO or sharing illicit penguin porn.
3. Take breaks to increase motivation. A week in Acapulco would be a good start.
4. Refuse to be a victim. That's what interns are for.
5. Watch episodes of The Office while you're supposed to be working on the Ferdlinger Account.
6. Reward yourself...the food in the fridge with somebody else's name on it isn't going to eat itself!
7. Boost your energy level by getting enough sleep and eating the healthiest foods you can. Start each day with exer - ha ha. Start the day with exerci - hee hee. Sorry.
8. Laugh. At yourself if you have to, but mostly at other people.
9. Avoid positive people. The temptation to serve 15-20 years in a federal prison for manslaughter should be avoided at all costs.

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists


I Don't Mean To Appear Flip About Child Molestation, But...

By day, Philip "Flip" Benham is an Evangelical Christian minister and the national leader of Concord, North Carolina-based Operation Save America, a pro-life group that evolved from Operation Rescue. By night, he gives relationship advice that would make contributors to Penthouse Forum blush.

The most obvious defense of accused child molester Roy Moore would be to deny the allegations against him, but the Bible inveighs against bearing false witness, so what is a man of the cloth to do? This, apparently. You know, when Jesus said, "Suffer the children," he didn't mean to literally make them suffer by taking away the quality you claim to value most in them: their innocence.

By the way, Ms. Kayla, Moore's much younger wife, had been previously married. It's certainly possible that the marriage was never consummated, preserving her "purity." It's also possible that, in an age where hymens can be reconstructed, a woman's "purity" can be operated on and restored. Or, "purity" can be defined as "the corrupt sexual longings of an adult for children."

Maybe we should ask the Lord for guidance on this matter - just not the Reverend Benham's Lord.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism


Appease, Appease Me, Do

Mohammed bin Salman, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, said, "We learned from Europe that appeasement doesn't work. We don't want the new Hitler in Iran to repeat what happened in Europe in the Middle East."

The Absurd Ironyometer tried to remember the last positive thing bin Salman said about Jews. Or, women. Or, Europeans. Or, Houthis. A few hours later, it decided the effort was a waste of time and went off to watch Lawrence of Arabia instead.

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page


"I Am Humbled That I Thought So Highly Of Myself. No. No, Please. I Deserve Every Kind Word..."

"For valour in the face of enemy press releases. For heroically staying awake in the face of interminable opposition wrangling over procedural motions. For courage above and beyond the call of duty for saving colleagues against an onslaught of malicious press reports of irrelevance. For all of this and so much more, I hereby award myself the Senate Medal of Sesquicentennial Inconsequentiality with full Two Hour Martini Lunch Clusters and Minimal Attendance Ribbons." - award presentation speech made by Pierre-Hugues Boisvenu and 43 other sitting, retired or chased out of the chamber of sober second thought in disgrace Canadian Senators

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut


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