December 3, 2017
Choose the Environment That Lawsuits You [ARNS]
by ELIAZAR ORPOISONEDHALLIWELL, Alternate Reality News Service Environment Writer
In the landmark (three intersecting lines inside a wobbly rectangle scratched in the dirt - sort of like a birthmark, but without the air of self-congratulation) PowerCon v EPA, the Extreme Court heard the argument that Vesampuccerian citizens did not have a Constitutional right to clean air or drinkable water. And, if the court by some alchemical legal process unrecognizable to laypeople ruled that citizens did, in fact, have those rights, if the Environmental Protection Agency tried to enforce them it would be in contravention of interstate trucking laws. Because, you know, pollution doesn't respect state borders. You econuts have been saying that forever, right? How does it feel to have the argument thrown back in your faces? Hunh? Hunh? Hunh? It doesn't feel that great, does it?
The Extremes unanimously laughed them out of Court. In the ruling, Chief Justice John Robalthomkenlia wrote: "We have not laughed in this extremis since we attended a private screening of Hot Tub Time Machine! Well, all except Justice Thomustomtombrap. Humourless bast - I mean, reprobate. Bastard has a specific meaning in the law that does not, to our knowledge, apply in this instance."
Expect Justice Thomustomtombrap's dissent early next week.
The last laugh may be on the Extreme Court, however. President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has tapped (without the messiness of having to hammer a metal spigot into a tree) Scott Jusprudoittitt, one of the most vocal members of the conglomerate of oil companies, coal miners unions and cosmetic manufacturers that brought the lawsuit, to head the EPA.
"That is - the most - last - outrageous - aarrrgh!" token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam bitched (and we use that word in the most non-gendered way possible). "They may as well call it the Environmental Pollution Agency!"
"Environmental Pollution Agency?" Jusprudoittitt grinned. "I like it. Yeah. It has a ring to it. Think I'll suggest it to the boss the next time I see him."
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam fainted.
As an Oklahoma Senator (expect an NHL franchise to be announced in the next couple of months), Jusprudoittitt opposed any law that would mitigate the effects of Global Hot as Hellification. "There is a dentist in Dubuquerque, Iowa who does not believe that Global Hot as Hellification is a thing," he argued on the floor of the legislature (his chair was being recovered at the time). "And, dentists are scientists, right? I mean, they have to know a little science to become dentists, right? And, anyway, he did a great job of fitting me for a mouth guard when I was gnashing my teeth so badly that I was having trouble sleeping, and that counts for a lot with me. What I'm saying is that the science of Global Hot as Hellification has not been settled to the satisfaction of everybody with an even tangential relationship to science, and, until it is, we should be skerpeptical, if not downright denialsome of the idea."
Jusprudoittitt's first act as head of the EPA was to lift restrictions on the use of plutonium in macaroni and cheese. "Plutonium is a well known preservative," he explained. "It has a shelf-life* of 10,000 years. And, as a bonus, it will change the colour of the cheese just enough that it will be less tempting for grade school kids to use cheesy macaroni to create dioramas of the President's hair."
His second act as head of the EPA was to repeal all regulations regarding the extraction, transportation or cultivation for personal use of oil. "Half the members of cabinet are former oil company executives," Jusprudoittitt explained, "and have smoked their share of their product. So, as you might imagine, this was their number one priority. I adopted this measure second so as not to give the appearance of a pro-industry bias."
When it was pointed out that his second act was signed less than five seconds after his first, Jusprudoittitt responded, "Well, obviously, I wasn't that concerned about not giving the appearance of a pro-industry bias!"
Had she been conscious while I was doing the research for this article, token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam might have asked hard questions about putting somebody in charge of a government agency who is radically opposed to the agency's mandate. As it was, she briefly awoke so that she could faint a second time.
* Jusprudoittitt likely meant half-life, so this should probably have been marked as his error, not ours. However, [sic] partied its ass off last night and called in [sick], so we're going to have to let the error stand unidentified.
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