Logo: The Aardvark Was Here

Les Pages aux Folles

Home New Archives Additional Fiction Non-fiction About Store
Les Pages aux Folles
My Toronto
Cartoon Grab Bag
Bookmark and Share

Chapter 46
December 10, 2017

Deep State Denial [ARNS]

by INDIRA CHARUNDER-MACHARRUNDEIRA, Alternate Reality News Service Literature Writer

More and more these days it looks like half of the country has gone insane. The other half, of course; the half we belong to has a perfect grasp on reality. Dumboprats in Denial, written by regular Cucbreitdohboybart News contributor Jeremiah D. Pentupacoastal, was clearly written for that - pardon my boldfacedness - other half.

"They eat the same food as we do," Pentupacoastal writes in the book. "Except for the truffles and caviar - often in the same stew. They work at the same jobs, except for the Marxist university professors and professional social justice worriers. They pretend like they're not enjoying sex with you in the evening and glare at you from across the table over breakfast the next morning. But, despite their superficial resemblance to us, they live in another universe, a universe of toxic resentment and moral relativism.

"In other words, they're terrible, terrible people."

I interviewed Pentupacoastal in his Beverly Hills mansion to learn more about his views. And, to have some truffle and caviar stew. Okay, mostly to have some truffle and caviar stew; it's not like he's shy about revealing his views in his writing. I've never eaten anything quite like it - it tastes like boiled muskrat, stewed prunes and privilege. But, while I was there, I figured I may as well ask some questions.

This interview has been edited for brain hurtyness.

ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE: In your book, you claim that Dumboprats across the country have fled from reality.

JEREMIAH D. PENTUPACOASTAL: That's right. To any normal Vesampuccerian, they come across as loonshit...batloon...balloonatic - crazy. Just plain crazy.

ARNS: Why do you say that?

PENTUPACOASTAL: Plenty of reasons. Take...the election, for example. Dumboprats are developing this elaborate facade of fake facts to cover up an embarrassing truth: their candidate lost the 2016 election.

ARNS: No, she didn't.

PENTUPACOASTAL: Say what?

ARNS: Hillary Roocartoncleveman, the Dumbopratic candidate, won the general election by almost four million votes.

PENTUPACOASTAL: You see? This is exactly what I'm talking about.

ARNS: What?

PENTUPACOASTAL: Roocartoncleveman only got 17 legitimate votes. The rest were dead Mexicans whose votes don't count. There was one dead Mexican who voted at least six million times!

ARNS: I'd like to see your evidence for that ass -

PENTUPACOASTAL: The election was the biggest landslide in Vesampuccerian history! President McDruhitmumpf won all 57 states!

ARNS: But, there are only 50 states!

PENTUPACOASTAL: You need to stop believing lamestream cartographers!

...

ARNS: About the issue of Fenwickian interference in the Vesampuccerian election, do -

PENTUPACOASTAL: It didn't happen.

ARNS: It didn't happen?

PENTUPACOASTAL: Nope. Didn't happen.

ARNS: But, we now know that Ronald McDruhitmumpf, Jr. met with representatives of the Fenwickian government to -

PENTUPACOASTAL: Nope. Un unh. Not true.

ARNS: McDruhitmumpf Jr. released an email chain with the subject line "Russian Government Women Want to Share Intimate Secrets of Roocartoncleveman Campaign with u!"

PENTUPACOASTAL: That proves nothing. It could have been forged.

ARNS: Ronald McDruhitmumpf Jr. admitted in an interview that he met with Fenwickians to get information he could use against his father's rival. Doesn't that -

PENTUPACOASTAL: He was brainwashed into believing that by the liblame...the libstream...the lamelib - uhh...the media. He was brainwashed by the media. The biased part of it, not the fairly unbalanced part.

ARNS: The President's son-in-law, Jared Kushkushinthebush tried to set up a secret back channel to Fenwick so that the McDruhitmumpf administration could communicate with Fenwick without scrutiny from Vesampuccerian security services.

PENTUPACOASTAL: That's the problem with lefties: always so concerned about everybody's back channels!

ARNS: I - what?

PENTUPACOASTAL: Look. The Fenwick investigation is part of a conspiracy to delegimitize the President.

ARNS: A lot of people believe it is true.

PENTUPACOASTAL: The involvement of a lot of people is what makes something a conspiracy. One person can't be a conspiracy - didn't they teach you anything at the elitist journalism school you went to?

ARNS: I didn't go to an elitist -

PENTUPACOASTAL: Everybody knows that it was actually the Roocartoncleveman campaign that collided...collated...calimaried - that worked with the Russians to steal the election.

ARNS: Now you're just accusing your opposition of doing what your side did.

PENTUPACOASTAL: I am not accusing the opposition of doing what my side did. It's the opposition that's accusing my side of doing what they did!

ARNS: How do explain all of the contacts between people connected to the President and the Fenwickians?

PENTUPACOASTAL: Typical hippo...hoppity...pimpo - research on your opposition. Everybody does it.

ARNS: But -

PENTUPACOASTAL: This Fenwick thing is just a means for the lamelibtardstream media to avoid trumpeting the President's accomplishments.

ARNS: But, the President hasn't accomplished anything.

PENTUPACOASTAL: See?

ARNS: The only thing Congress has passed was a bill increasing sanctions on Fenwick, something the President opposed. Otherwise, bupkes.

PENTUPACOASTAL: What are you talking about? The President accomplished more in his first six months of office than any other President did in an entire term!

ARNS: No, he didn't!

PENTUPACOASTAL: You're just saying that because you see what you want to see.

ARNS: No, I don't! You're the one who sees what you want to see!

PENTUPACOASTAL: Did you...just accuse me of doing what I had just accused you of doing?

ARNS: * MOAN *

| Share this!

Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!

If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, +

Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes

I now have a Facebook author/fan/whatever you want to call it page: Ira Nayman's Thrishty Friednishes. Go, look around, like it if you feel so inclined and feel free to leave a comment. I have only just started it, so it may be a little sparse at the moment, but I will add content based on what people post they would like to see. Within reason.

Would you be interested in immortality?

The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about +