December 17, 2017
The Daily Me - The Lazy Conspiracist.com
Thank you, The Lazy Conspiracist.com, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we blamed global warming for California firefighters' chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Nobody can accuse us of not fully embracing the Christmas spirit - you could even say we're inflamed by it!
The Daily Me Staff
This Is How Out Of Teach With Reality He Is: Slave House Elf Labour Is NOT On The Negotiating Agenda!
Britain wants a trade deal with the European Union that includes the best parts of the bloc's agreements with Narnia, Middle Earth and the Rebel Alliance, Brexit Secretary David Davis said.
"You may say I'm a dreamer," Davis explained. "But, I'm not the only one. I hope some day the EU will join us, and world trade will be as one."
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
If The Tree Rotates 360 Degrees, Stay Back If You Don't Want Rotten Sap Spewing All Over You!
If you see a man in dark clothing muttering something in a strange language while you're doing your holiday shopping at the mall, don't call for security. It's just Reverend Richie Sambouca decrying the Christmas tree hanging upside down from the ceiling.
"This inversion of the festive fir is an invocation of Satan!" Reverend Sambouca fumed. "I mean, how does it hang from the ceiling like that? Obviously, dark forces are at work, here!"
"Actually, there's a bracket in the ceiling that holds it in place," explained Mall it All manager Eloise Dubois. "See, look up there...past the angel grabbing at its halo to keep it from falling to the ground...yeah, that's right, around the gingerbread man who looks like he's about to lose his cookies - yeah. There. See, it's just a bracket in the ceiling. No need to panic."
When asked about the influence of the devil on the inverted tree, Dubois replied, "It's not Satanic - it's marketing!"
Arguably, They Needed Serious Medical Attention Before The Interview!
Ontario is planning on giving a $100 million grant to Nova Chemicals, which the province is investigating over allegations that it did not properly report an incident on its site where a chemical leak forced employees to evacuate.
"We asked the company if there are any incidents that were to be reported," said Minister of Economic Development and Growth Brad Duguid, "and the information we have received is there were none."
When we contacted Nova Chemicals' public relations team of Larry, Curly and Moe, their response was, "There's nothing to see here." "Except for that -" "Wha'd I say? Wha'd I just say?" "But, Moe -" "Listen, you great gumpf! If I say there's nothing to see, here, there's nothing to see, here. Get it?" "But -" "Oww! Wha'd I do?" "Don't get in my way!" "Rowf! Rowf!" BANG! CRASH! "Ooooowwwww!"
By the time the cops arrived to break up the interview, the entire public relations team needed serious medical attention.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
Sorry, But This Is Well below My Low-hanging Fruit Threshold!
"Some of the dumbest people have become enormously successful."
- Kiss co-founder Gene Simmons explaining why you don't need something "new and original" to become rich and famous, you just need his help to learn how to hustle
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
The Grinch Who Leveraged Christmas!
Lawyers for the bankrupt company Toys 'R' Us have asked a judge to allow them to pay millions of dollars in bonuses to the company's top executives to help encourage them to focus on driving up sales as the holidays approach.
The millions of dollars in salaries and bonuses they have collected thus far are not sufficient motivation for them to do their jobs? Will these executives sit around their offices drinking lattes, practising putting and checking the value of their stock options every five minutes if they don't get their bonuses? Talk about a job action! (Or, inaction, as the case may be.)
"Hey!" objected Joshua Sussberg, the lawyer for the company. "If senior management meets their quota, they will have earned every cent of their bonuses! Selling toys at Christmas is not as easy as you may think!"
Un hunh. Why is it that executives need bonuses to boost productivity, but factory and office workers need the threat of layoffs to boost theirs?
Sussberg's eyes narrowed, and he quietly demanded: "You have something against the capitalist system?"
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
Could It Have Been That Your Budget Consisted Of Canadian Tire Money And Couple Of Outdated Transit Tickets?...I mean: ?!
I wanted to fund a study of where the major think tanks in the country got their money, but, oddly enough, none of them wanted to take me up on the offer...
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
Justice Is Served...Returned And Volleyed Back And Forth Before Being Hit Out Of Bounds
And It Wasn't Even A Game Point!
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Quebec Politicians Obviously Hi When They Passed That Bill!
The Quebec government has passed a law inviting "all merchants and all employees in contact with local and international clients to welcome them warmly with the word 'bonjour.'" This was meant to supplant the common greeting "bonjour-hi."
"It made us sound Japanese," explained Quebec City Mayor Regis Labeaume. "Tourists were confused as to where they were, and tried to order maple flavoured sushi. It was a disaster."
And, the poke in the eye to Quebec anglophones? "That's just a bonus," Mayor Labeaume grinned.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
Like Many Of The Games' Best Players
No, This Headline Doesn't Require An Exclamation Mark
No, Seriously, I'm Not Going To Use An Exclamation Mark - It Just Isn't Called Fo -
Torstar and Postmedia have announced a deal that will involve 17 publications being taken over by the former company and 24 being taken over by the latter. All but five of the 41 publications will be shut down.
You know how when you were a kid and you and your brother traded hockey cards? This is sort of like trading hockey cards, if, afterwards, you burned all but a handful of them in a campfire to keep yourself warm. And, if you put most of the players on the cards out of work by doing so. And, the communities the players came from no longer had access to the players' stats.
Wow, that metaphor went south really fast!
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review