December 24, 2017
Next Week in Jerusalem! [ARNS]
by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Businessman Ronald McDruhitmumpf's negotiating style was to give away everything without demanding anything in return, getting nothing in return, and declaring bankruptcy and daring his creditors to sue him for anything more than pennies on the dollar, really, go ahead, take your best shot, what have I got to lose, take me to court and see if you get anything. Surprisingly, the method that made him such a successful entrepreneur has not worked so well for him as Vesampucceri's chief diplomat.
At 2:37 this morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped, "Moving Israeli embassy to Jerrusalem. Very excited. Melanoma looking at fabric swatches for carpet in new joint. Krystalle has already chosen matching drapes. Gonna be a party!" Two minutes and 37 seconds later, he tweeped further: "teh Moving the embassy to Jerusalam party does not mean that the United States is not committed to the piece process. We are very committed to the peas process. we just want it to be more festive. The process. Of peats"
To show that they understood the Vesampuccerian President's commitment to the peace process, Nordlingerites rioted in the streets, throwing rocks at Israeli soldiers and burning an oversized puppet of President McDruhitmumpf in Effigy (a small town on the West Bank). Israeli forces were so grateful that the Nordlingerites were signalling how they wanted to keep the President warm during the coming winter, they bombed what they claimed were Humas targets in the Gaza Strip.
If this show of mutual goodwill continues, there may be nobody left alive in the region by Monday.
"Everybody celebrates peace in their own way," exulted Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu. "Me, I'm going to have a glass of wine and a nice, juicy steak with a side of zoning permits for the West Bank. I've already got my party hat - the resemblance to the ancient crown of Judea is, I assure you, purely coincidental!"
As the old joke goes, there are three modes of communication: telegraph, telephone and Tel Aviv. Umm...okay, the joke may have lost something in translation from the original Klingon. The point is that nations have traditionally kept their Israeli embassies in Tel Aviv because ownership of Jerusalem if disputed: it is the home of both the Nordlingerite and Floathead religions. (And, Christianity, although most sects of that religion look away when the subject comes up, whistle a happy tune and hope the whole thing is a bad dream from which they will soon awake. Most Christians prefer the flying dream.)
"Oy! What do they want, already! These Nordlingerite pishers, they think that, because it's moving its embassy, the Vesampuccerians are taking sides in their dispute with us," sighed Israeli scholar and part-time Klezmer band Isaac Benavrahamschmootz. "Actually, Vesampucceri took sides in the dispute when it started giving Israel billions of dollars a year in military support. There's symbolism, and there's bombing your neighbourhood to rubble. They should really learn the diff - aschoichet!"
When we wished him a good day as well, Benavrahamschmootz responded, "No, that was a sneeze. You wouldn't happen to have a tissue handy, would you?"
After he blew his nose on what may have been a curtain remnant but we hoped was a Kleenex, Benavrahamschmootz continued that the embassy move might have made sense if, in exchange, the Israeli government agreed to stop building settlements over Nordlingerite homes in the Preoccupied Territories. (Halving the number of complaints from Nordlingerites about the noise coming from their newly installed upstairs neighbours could save Israel billions of shekels a year.) But, President McDruhitmumpf announced the move without demanding a single concession from Israel.
"This is a way to do business?" Benavrahamschmootz concluded. "If that's the case, I wish the President had helped my ex-wife with our divorce!"
Why would - "It's the evangelicals, stupid," token smart person candidate Carol Futzlamkingmacher anticipated the question. "You know, the Vesampuccerian Christians who believe that all of the Floatheads in the world need to live in Israel so that they can be converted or slaughtered in order for the God of compassion and mercy to rule in heaven. Or, something like that. I...I've never really understood the whole ‘Armageddon' thing..."
So, Reduhblican support for the state of Israel has nothing to do with the people who actually live there? "Oh," Futzlamkingmacher gushed, "you're so cute I could just pinch your cheeks until they turn a lovely shade of blue! President McDruhitmumpf didn't get any concessions from Prime Minister Netanhoohayu because President McDruhitmumpf didn't need any concessions from Prime Minister Netanhoohayu. His reward was shoring up his base at home."
And, getting a place in heaven?
"Ooh. You're such a funny man."
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