December 24, 2017
The Daily Me - Wolf von Kumbergbatch
Thank you, Wolf von Kumbergbatch, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard that the widow of a man she claims created the Game of Life was suing Hasbro for millions of dollars in lost revenue. We...didn't remember the game featuring lawsuits. Was that a bootleg edition? Could our parents have told us that the lawsuits square was about something else - marital strife, maybe, or middle-aged affairs? We were young. We would have believed that. We believed in Santa Claus until we were 37! Lorraine Markham should take comfort in the fact that, if she doesn't win her court case, she is perfectly positioned to create her own best-selling game: the Game of Adult Life. We wouldn't play it - we're living the damn thing - but we're sure it would be popular with...somebody. Somewhere...
The Daily Me Staff
"Dead" Is Such a Prejudicial Term - They Prefer "Respiratorially Challenged"
19 States Attorneys sent a letter to the Federal Communications Commission asking it to delay a vote on Net Neutrality. They claimed that as many as two million contributions to the FCC's discussion forum on the policy were fake: in fact, many of the comments were posted with the names of people who were, strictly speaking, dead.
"The problem was overblown," said FCC Chair Ajit Pai. "Dead people have voted in elections for decades. Given that, it seems churlish not to allow them to participate in public consultations or other aspects of democracy. I thought the Democrats were all about inclusivity!"
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
The FBI Will Be In Therapy For Years After He Told THEM Where To Go!
President Donald Trump has told NASA to go Mars. NASA shrugged. He's told other government departments to go to much worse places.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live!
A Professional Is An Amateur Who Didn't Quit...Or End Up In Jail
Dozens of Saudi Arabian princes, senior officials and businesspersons have been - oh, who are we kidding? - businessmen have been detained in an anti-corruption crusade. It has been - oh, that was insensitive, wasn't it? Crackdown. Let's call it an anti-corruption crackdown. It has been reported that some of the charges will be dropped if they are willing to pay millions of dollars for their freedom.
"It's not that we're against corruption per se," explained Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman. "It's that we're against small-timers who don't do it very well. They give the rest of us a bad name!"
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
Laura The Deplora...Bull
Remember when it was considered great fun to feel up a drunken co-worker next to the office water cooler at the annual Christmas party? When nobody would bat an eyelash if you told a sexual joke, and, if one of your female co-workers did complain, you would call her a vulgar term for a part of her anatomy and everybody would laugh? Including her if she valued her job?
Good times. It seems like forever since we were all that carefree, even if it was only last year. What happened?
According to Fox News spokesblond (do women come in any other flavour on that network?) Laura Ingraham, the #metoo movement happened, that's what. All those women telling stories about how they were raped, sexually harassed or otherwise mistreated by powerful men have destroyed the spirit of Christmas!
Hmm. As former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright said, "There is a special place in the basket of deplorables for women who don't help other women."
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
Where Do Porgs Fit Into This Calculation?
Star Wars fans settle. YOU WANT: Wookies. YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: Ewoks. YOU'LL GET: Jar Jar Binks.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
"I Never Watch MSNBC - It's A Coincidence That I Happened To Pick Those Names Completely At Random!"
President Trump is defending himself against accusations that he watches four to eight hours of television a day. Said the Trumpster: "Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. It was untrue when I heard it on Morning Joe. It was untrue when Ali Velshi said it. It was really untrue when Rachel Maddow said it! It's all fake news. The fakest. Trust me - I know all about fakes!"
Having Just Come Back From America, He Blamed His Intemperate Remarks On Jet Gulag
American critics of Vladimir Putin claim that the Russian President was the mastermind behind interference in the 2016 election. Russian critics of Vladimir Putin, by way of contrast, thinks that gives him too much credit.
"Putin is no puppeting masterbrain," said journalist and part-time Vodka bottle Dmitri Smirnov. "He is not so clever. In fact, he has brain power of small insect. June bug, maybe. Or, Shetland pony. Around the office, we call him 'Vlad the easily led.' You know how Americans, you have 'Yo momma' jokes? In Russia, we have 'Yo President' jokes. Because his intelligence is joke - understand? Vladimir Putin is so dumb that -"
"Hey!" Putin sternly interjected.
"Oh! I...I did not seeing you there, Mister President!" Smirnov shuddered. "When I - gulp! - when I said you are having brain power of June bug, I meant it with all due respect and love!"
After Enough Beers, You Can't Taste Anything Anyway, So Drinking On Mars Would Give You A Head Start
The third land rover crash in as many days has caused the Martian government to complain to Earth's government about drunk drivers.
"You Earthers who love your Budweiser - get a room!" complained Martian Minister of Security and Gorgalinsen Beaks Brxxliman "Max" Brrxlinam. "No, that didn't make - if you look at it in context - no, that doesn't exactly work ei - the point is that drunk drivers are causing havoc on Mars' sand dunes, and we will not put down with it!"
When it was pointed out to him that the phrase was "up" not "down," Minister Max responded, "Oh, that's just rude!"
Minister Max went on to say that he didn't understand what the attraction was, anyway. Because of Mars' lower gravity, bubbles don't rise to the top of carbonated beverages, making beer a foamy slop. Worse, because human nasal passages get clogged up in space because there's no gravity to pull body fluids downwards, it would be difficult to taste the beverage. Minister Max pointed out that drinking beer on Mars would be like drinking liquid plastic.
"I don't see the attraction," he summed up. "Earthers are weird."
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service