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Chapter 48
December 24, 2017

A Political Tease That Titillates No One [ARNS]

by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer

Is Cartwheel Brandewpagemacher the stupidest man in Washburningdington? Vesampucceri? The world? (I could expand further, but that would get us into questions about alien IQ, and that is more properly the realm of science fiction.) He works very hard to make it seem easy to give that impression - or does he? - but could it all be an act? Could he, in fact, be a strategic genius? Could I stack my lede with more questions? Was the last sentence a way of padding the number of questions in my lede? WILL NOBODY STOP ME?

[Stop. Brenda Brundtland-Govanni, Editrix-in-Chief]

Thank you!

Last week, the Washburningdington Post reported that Brandewpagemacher was the subject of a FIFA warrant (so-called because the subjects of them tend to become political footballs). You know how the Federal Bureau of Instigations is not allowed to surveil (literally: place a security shroud over) Vesampuccerian citizens? A FIFA warrant is when the FBI explains how really, really, really, really, really important it is to tap the phones and watch the comings and goings of a Vesampuccerian citizen; and, because of the five reallys rule, the court cheerfully tells them that of course you can, and thanks for asking so politely!

The FBI reportedly sought the FIFA warrant to surveil Brandewpagemacher because while he worked for President McDruhitmumpf's election campaign (as a central strategist or go-to guy for coffee and bagels depending upon who you're talking to), he was being paid by the government of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. This is referred to by the FBI as "suspicious behaviour" in public and "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, is a foreign power trying to interfere with our election? The integrity of our whole system of governance is under attack! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit!" in private.

Other people who contributed to President McDruhitmumpf's election efforts who were subsequently found to have ties to Grand Fenwick have either disappeared from the public eye (a la Paul Bildapillofort, an unsavoury dish, indeed); or lied to Congress about their connections to Veampucceri's Cold War enemy and cuticled (because they were hanging on to their careers by their fingernails) themselves from the investigation of the McDruhitmumpf campaign's connections to Grand Fenwick after they were given a position in the government anyway (yes, I'm looking at you, Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic, in a very can't look away from a car crash kind of way!).

Not Brandewpagemacher. No, he appears in public every chance he gets and hints that he might, maybe, some day, you know anything is possible so don't give up hope tell his side of the story, but never quite reveals anything newsworthy. Or, mildly interesting.

The following exchange on MSNBC is typical:

CHRIS CARFAIRINDRUGHAYES: The obvious question is: who hired you to work on the McDruhitmumpf campaign?

CARTWHEEL BRANDEWPAGEMACHER: People want more than the obvious these days, and, and, and, gribble gribble amberswatch, they deserve more, don't you think?

CARFAIRINDRUGHAYES: Oh. Umm. Okay. I think...I think they deserve to know if the Duchy of Grand Fenwick stole the election for Ronald McDruhitmumpf.

BRANDEWPAGEMACHER: Oh, ha ha ha you big silly!

CARFAIRINDRUGHAYES: Cartwheel, who hired you to work on the McDruhitmumpf campaign?

BRANDEWPAGEMACHER: You know, Chris, there are a number of ways that I could answer that question. Spiritually, I think it could be argued that the universe directed me towards the campaign. Albrachim garfluie! Philosophically, we are mere grains of sand blown this way and that with no purpose or control over where we end up...being an indispensable part of a team. Stoogily - quingqling clocket - we're all just an eye poke away from the big nyuk nyuk nyuk in the sky. Grumpy cattily, we -

CARFAIRINDRUGHAYES: So, you're saying that, of the many ways you could answer my question, you'll go for any except the one that actually would answer my question?

BRANDEWPAGEMACHER: You know, Chris, schnaft schnozzer magic jojo, there are a lot of ways I could answer that question...

Throughout the interview, Brandewpagemacher coyly batted his eyelashes and grinned like somebody who knows the murderer is in the house, but doesn't want to give that knowledge away to the police officer at the door.

Although the impression Brandewpagemacher gives is of somebody whose brain has no apparent connection to his mouth, not everybody is convinced. "He's sending a signal to President McDruhitmumpf," argued token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam's common-law partner Arnie Bamshitshotshutshe. "He's saying: ‘Don't feed me to the wolves, or I'll make sure that you're on the menu, too.' It's brilliant, really."

Is it, though? Is it really brilliant? Is the man who went on the cooking show Meat the Press and said, "I - umm - that is to say - what a good question, but I flibble, flibble, flibble fetang!" really some kind of genius?

I suspect we'll need an independent investigation into the ties between the McDruhitmumpf campaign and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick to find out.

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