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Chapter 49
December 31, 2017

Ask the Biz Whiz Why People Go To Washburningdington [ARNS]

To Whom It May Biz Whiz:

Why do people go to Washburningdington?

The Biz Whiz:

For the same reason they rob banks: because that's where the money is.

Heya, Mister Biz Whiz, Sir:

How do I get me some of those there tax breaks the President says are ripe for the pickin' in the tax bill Congers just passed?

The Biz Whiz:

It's easy, my semi-literate friend. Just call up your tax accountant and ask him how much your estate won't have to pay when you die. Your children will thank you.

Heya, Mister Biz Whiz, Sir:

Tax accountant? You think I got a tax accountant? Jeepers bedeepers, but that would be funny if tweren't so not funny. I think. And my estate? I got a fryin' pan. And, a dozen empties. You get a good wad o' chewin' gum with the empties, and you should just about be able to plug the hole in the fryin' pan. Then, you just gots to get some food, and you're good to go.

You got anything else?

The Biz Whiz:

Oh. Ah. Well, of course there's something else. There are 1,100 pages of something else in this tax bill.

Ask your lawyer about the pass-through provision that drastically lowers the tax rate on millionaire and billionaire small business owners - like real estate developers. The - what? You don't know what pass-through provisions are? It's like...IRS Ex-Lax. It's like cheap beer at the tax bar. I...I'm not sure I can make it any clearer in a family publication.

Heya, Mister Biz Whiz, Sir:

I seen a lawyer once. His name was Bratlock or Matblock or something like that. Durn likeable feller, you ask me. Very folksy. But, smart, too. When he's done bein' folksy, you better hope you ain't no murderer, cause he'll have you confessin' faster than sheep dip through a goose! (My apologies to yer squeamish readers. I talk all colloquial like.)

Still, y'aint hittin' me. What all else you got in them 1,100 pages?

The Biz Whiz:

Okay. Okay. The Biz Whiz likes a challenge.

Have your insurance fees skyrocketed because of the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act ? Well, this bill gets rid of the individual mandate. So, go! Be free! Spend those insurance savings on something pretty!

Ding, dong the Bushbamclintreagbushcare is dead! Which old Bushbamclintreagbush? The wicked Bushbamclintreagbush! Ding, dong, the wicked Bushbamclintreagbush is dead!

Or, ahem, so I've heard them sing on Walletemptier Street. And, the, uhh, President may have contributed a verse or two. How many other administrations are you familiar with who have given you tax breaks with a song on their lips and...who knows what in their hearts? You're getting a tax break - don't be so concerned about other people's motivations!

Heya, Mister Biz Whiz, Sir:

Wait! What? I'm gonna lose me some insurance because of this deal? You know, before that there Affordable What All Else Act, I couldn't get insurance on account of havin' one of them there pre-existin' conditions. I live in North Oklakota!

Ya know, I'm beginnin' ta think that maybe this here tax bill thingie ain't such a good deal for fellers like me...

The Biz Whiz:

No, no, no, no, no! Don't give up! We're only getting started! The bill would eliminate a $2,500 tax credit available to parents whose children are at college and adds a tax on college endowments, reducing financial aid for - oh, but you probably plan on attending college at some point in y - well, maybe not you personally. Maybe you saw Animal House and thought that was how higher education should be. That would just be the way this column has gone!

The bill would allow people to set up tax free investments for fetuses. Because, as you know, once you can save money for something, it becomes a human being with full rights. Check and mate, abortion activists. Check and don't you even think of going into that clinic, with or without your mate!

Remember the Johnson Amendment? Sure, you do! It banned non-profit organizations from engaging in political activism? Non - non-profit organizations! Like...churches? Riiiight - those non-profit organizations! Would you consider incorporating as a...no, I didn't think you would.

The bill would allow for drilling for oil on previously protected la - how did that get in there?

If you live in California or New York, you will see your taxes rise immediately because of the repeal of the state tax deduction. But, be thankful you don't live in Puerto Rico - you'll get a 20% excise tax to payments made by companies on the mainland to their subsidiary businesses in your...state seems like an overstatement. State wannabe? Statelet? State tartar? We can argue about definitions at your bankruptcy hearing.

Okay, you know what? Fine! The tax bill doesn't have anything for you! But, all that means is that you clearly aren't a productive member of society. Why don't you get a job, you bum!

The economy is too important to be left to economists! If you have a work, financial or otherwise money-centric question, quiz the Biz Whiz at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. That's where the money is. Ha ha! I kill me sometimes!

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