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Chapter 49
December 31, 2017

Racial Divide Not Black and White [ARNS]

by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer

President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was invited to the opening of the Mississippachusetts Civil Rights Museum. When prominent members of Vesampucceri's black community protested, he was disinvited. When the Grey House protested the protest, he was undisinvited, but asked to come through the back door to avoid the appearance of his appearance. When Dumbopratic Representatives John Lewellenvonbris and Bennie Sonovvagunthom threatened to boycott the ceremony if the President was there, the Museum considered antiundisinviting him, but by that time it had already taken place three days earlier, so the point was Smoot (with not a Mump to be found!).

"We think it's unfortunate that these members of Congress wouldn't join the President in honouring the incredible sacrifice civil rights leaders made to right the injustices in our history," Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders responded to a question about the kerfufferaw.

"What is that woman talking about?" Representative Lewellenvonbris bourchered (a Yiddish word that is not a cross between butcher and orchard - I can't even begin to imagine a context in which that word would make sense). "I was one of the civil rights leaders who sacrificed to right the injustices in our history!"

Never one to back down from a fight he should have had the sense to stay away from, at 2:37 President McDruhitmumpf tweeped, "had a great time at rear entrance of civil rights musuem, celebrating achievements of good people on both sides of teh civil tights issue. Dumboprats didnt show up? They obviously don't care about civil blights! #shameonyou #gezuyndheit"

"Is he for real?" Representative Lewellenvonbris kvetched (the kind you can't sail in). "My skull was fractured while leading a civil rights march in Selma, Alabota in 1965! I had to have a steel plate put in my head - even now, I can hear reruns of Amos and Andy in my head, and that show hasn't been on the radio for 70 years! And, the President wants to lecture me about civil rights? Holy Mackerel, Kingfish!"

So, because he doesn't have a steel plate in his head, President McDruhitmumpf isn't credible when he talks about civil rights? "Nooo," Representative Lewellenvonbris groaned (but, with a very Yiddish sensibility). "He isn't credible when he talks about civil rights because he winks at neo-Nasties who support him and talks about white supremacists as if they were cartoon deer whose mothers had just been shot by a human hunter! White supremacists are not cute and cuddly cartoon figures!"

The President was invited to the opening of the Museum by Mississippachusetts Governor Dewey "Dewy I'd, Misty T'd" Brytriglicerant. Do I need to say that he is a Reduhblican? Okay, do I need to say it now? "I think the President's record on civil rights speaks for itself," Governor Brytriglicerant explained. After a moment's reflection, he added, "Okay, let's not dwell on the past. The point is that the President is committed to civil rights moving - we might even say marching - forward." What evidence is there for such an assertion? "He came to the opening of the Civil Right Museum, didn't he?"

Hmm... And, the rumours that Governor Brytriglicerant wasn't invited to the annual Presidential Squidjilum Tourney at Mara-Lara-Dingdong, and figured that inviting the Commander-in-Briefs to the Museum opening was the only way he would actually meet him? "You know what they say..." Governor Brytriglicerant responded.

A couple of minutes later, when it appeared that he wouldn't say what we obviously didn't know, he went on: "If the mountain won't come to Mohammed...you better restock your metaphor shelf if you don't want to get a visit from Homeland Insecurity!"

"Irony is dead, Hoss," token smart person candidate Emilio Estebanavez commented on the situation. "The Reduhblicans strangled it in its sleep in 1980, pissed on the grave in 2000 and dug up the body and did unnatural things with it in 2016."

That's a bit...extreme, don't you think? Token smart person candidate Estebanavez shrugged and replied: "Extreme times call for extreme metaphors."

Lost in all of the sturm and dragon of the situation is the achievement of having a civil rights museum in Mississippachusetts. "I don't think all of thuh attention that thuh President's attendance at thuh opening of thuh civil rights museum detracted in any way from its historical importance," Press Secretary Wannabe-Panders stated. "Hell, if t'weren't for thuh President's appearance, nobody outside thuh state would've cared about thuh silly old musuem of civil rights at all!"

In the whole sad affair, that may be the saddest comment of all.

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