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Chapter 49
December 31, 2017

The Daily Me - Euro Dice

Thank you, Euro Dice, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read about a study that showed that while poor people's happiness arose out of their connections with others, wealthy people derived happiness from selfish pursuits. And, we thought, That's not fair! We're the most selfish bastards we know, and we're not rich! How did we end up with the worst possible outcome‽

Enjoy (whether you're wealthy or not),
The Daily Me Staff

When It Comes To Ripping Apart The World's Largest Trading Bloc, Some Politicians Just Can't Hackitt

British government official Judith Hackitt recently stated, "The mindset of doing things as cheaply as possible and passing on responsibility for problems and shortcomings to others must stop."

British Prime Minister Theresa May responded with, "But Brexit was all David Cameron's fault! That's not passing on responsibility - it's a plain and simple fact! And, can I help it if negotiations with the European Union are going badly? Cameron left us a weak hand, and the EU is out for blood! If I had had any say in the ma -"

Somebody must have taken the Prime Minister aside and told her that Hackitt was actually talking about the Grenfell Tower Blaze in London. With a sigh, May, no less defensively but with a definite bottom note of bitterness, concluded, "They'll blame me for that as well, bloody swine! You wait and see if they don't!"

SOURCE: The Smarmian


At First, It Makes No Sense
Then, Hiding State Secrets Under Your Bed Might Actually Seem Cost Effective
Then, It Makes No Sense...And Stays That Way

AHA! AHA AHA AHA! The Pentagon has confirmed that there was a government programme to collect and analyze information about "anomalous aerospace threats." AATs? Nooooooo. Try: UFOs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It began in 2007 - while The X-Files was off the air! Coincidence? Well, yeah, probably. It's not like the government has ever been responsive to the hopes and dreams of the American people as expressed through their entertainment choices! It ran for five years and, when it was all over, issued a 442 page report that has never been made public! WHAT DON'T THEY WANT US TO - sorry, I mean, WHAT DON'T THEY WANT US TO KNOW?

UFOs are real, people! The conspiracy to cover up the truth is in a government vault somewhere and under your beds! Go look if you don't believe me! Don't be fooled! The truth is under there!

SOURCE: Mike's Ultimate Conspiracy Page


You've Heard The Saying Two Heads Are Better Than One?
When The Body Parts Are In The Basket Of Deplorables, The Math Gets Tricky...

Oh, look! It's the Biheadal Dinosaurus Grassleyatch! They hate the glare of the spotlight, tending to hide in their constituency office and only come out to vote in favour of bills that enrich them and their friends, screw ordinary people or, ideally, both. To find them speaking out against ordinary people, you have to track them to their natural habitat - a bar on E Street, where you can find them grazing on peanuts and class resentment.

On the left, I give you Republican Senator Chuck Grassley; on the right, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch. I give them to you in the sense of hurling them as hard as I can away from myself; if you choose to catch them, that becomes your problem.

Although it has two heads, the Biheadal Dinosaurus Grassleyatch has but a single mind, and a feeble one at that. When not regurgitating anti-poverty talking points to its young, the specimen can be found in a dark corner of the Basket of Deplorables sucking up to wealthy donors for approving pats on the head and scraps of campaign funding.

The only consolation is that the Biheadal Dinosaurus Grassleyatch was born old, and has the life expectancy of a dyspeptic termite on a sliver of wood in the middle of the ocean. Long may it sail!

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism


You Know What They Say In Russia: The Screams Of A Journalist Are An Oligarch's Lullaby

Last week, prominent Russian journalist Sergei Embedledev accused President Vladimir Putin of enriching himself on the backs of average citizens. "You're crazy!" Putin responded. The last anybody saw of Embedledev, he was being "escorted" through the front doors of an insane asylum. By two very heavily armed gentlemen. Not entirely of his own volition, if his screams are to be believed.

I would comment, but, you know, I've been feeling kind of...down lately, and I would hate for the Psychiatrist-in-Chief to catch wind of it!



As They Say On The Catwalks Of Paris: "Mmm...Hamhocks!"

The hottest thing in fashion right now seems to be spaghetti. If high fashion models are not eating it (and, they're not), they are distributing it in their lingerie or, in extreme cases, smearing it all over their bodies. As they say on the catwalks of Rome, "What gives?"

"Ah, well, there's no real mystery there," stated Elodium von Festrunk, chief buyer for the House of Dichanel. "European men enjoy eating more than they enjoy sex. Tres scandaleuse, n'est-ce pas? But, this is the world we live in. If we want men to buy women lingerie - and, we do, oh, how we do! - we have to spice it up with some noodles."

And, when that palls? "Next year?" von Festrunk declared, "Hamhocks!"

SOURCE: Fashion Crimes TV


As If Such A Thing Were Possible!

Mike, you doofus!!!!! The Advanced Aviation Threat Identification Program is not a secret. It was funded by an act of Congress - it was proposed by Senator Harry Red. Do you really think Reid is a wild-eyed, Area 57 Varieties UFOlogist? Man, you will believe anything, won't you?

Take off your tin hat and let your brain cool down for a bit, dude. You're giving conspiracy theorists a bad name!

SOURCE: Bob's Penultimate Conspiracy Page


As Long As They Don't Try To Eat Santa And The Sleigh In A Single Gul - What? How Was That A Spoiler - The Movie Isn't Out Yet!

Jurassic Universe: Home for the Holidays. Directed by: Colin Trevorrow. Starring: Chris Pratt, Laura Dern and...who are we kidding? The CGI is the real star, here. Written by: Commodore 64. An attempt to splice the DNA of long extinct reindeer with that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex in the hope of resurrecting some of Christmas' most beloved song characters goes horribly awry. Horribly, violently, but hopefully in a big opening weekend box officey way, awry.

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database


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