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Chapter 49
December 31, 2017

The Sad Clown Sitting at the Heart of Power [ARNS]

by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer

Remember when Dumboprats looked forward to Ronald McDruhitmumpf announcing that his run for the Reduhblican presidential nomination was actually an elaborate piece of performance art intended to expose the corruption at the heart of Vesampuccerian democracy? Remember when, after he won the Reduhblican nomination, Dumboprats really, really looked forward to Ronald McDruhitmumpf announcing that his run for the Grey House was actually an elaborate piece of performance art intended to expose the corruption at the heart of Vesampuccerian democracy? Remember when, after he won the general election, Dumboprats impatiently - one might say desperately - looked forward to President-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf announcing that his candidacy for the highest office in the only remaining world superpower was actually an elaborate piece of performance art intended to expose the corruption at the heart of Vesampuccerian democracy?

Ah. Good times. Not for Dumboprats, obviously. Or, women. Or, visible minorities. Or, people who aren't heterosexual. Or, bookshelf manufacturers. Or - okay, maybe there was a limit to the good timeness of the times. Still. There is mounting evidence that the Dumboprats were right.

Actor Kevin Spacebassraisaaaiiieeee (Game of Cards, the Vesampuccerian version, which has its moments despite by definition not being as good as the British version) took an improv class with McDruhitmumpf when they were both students at the Julibacardi School for the Arts...and Rum. Lots and Lots of Rum. "Ronnie would do anything for a laugh," Spacebassraisaaaiiieeee reminisced. "Sticking pencils up his nose or using expletives to affectionately describe the other students. Ha! He used to call me [EXPLETIVE INCLUDED - YOU WERE GIVEN FAIR WARNING] Spacebassraisaaaiiieeee. Good times."

Spacebassraisaaaiiieeee allowed that McDruhitmumpf had a tendency to take his jokes too far. "The time he had to get emergency surgery to remove the pencil from his left frontal lobe was a good example," Spacebassraisaaaiiieeee chuckled. "Still, that level of dedication to craft is rare and admirable."

"The Ronald always loved his practical jokes," said real estate mogul turned prison inmate Jack Abpecbramvanov. He described an incident where McDruhitmumpf handed an exploding pen to union leader "Frank "Frankie Three Fingers" Badafullmonti after a tough negotiation on the construction of the McDruhitmumpf Tower in New Jersey.

"Yeah, uhh, I guess you had to be there," Abpecbramvanov allowed. "The Ronald may have, umm, taken things a little too far. Like all the times he signed contracts in invisible ink, much to the hilarity of bankruptcy courts across the nation. Good, err, times?"

Ronald McDruhitmumpf perfected the bullying, know nothing persona that would win him the presidency telling gormless (they had so little gorm they were positively unctilious!) contestants on his reality TV show The Satanic Apprentice, "You're eternally fired!"

"Ronnie was a sweetheart!" enthused Donna Dondadondonduh, who directed The Satanic Apprentice for its final three seasons. "He was always asking things like, 'Should I have put more venom into the word "fired?" The moment didn't seem authentic enough to me,' or 'Maybe I should shred a cigar or something. I feel like I should be doing something with my hands. My...perfectly proportioned for the size of my body hands,' or 'Where's the crafts table?' He was the consummate professional!"

When asked if McDruhitmumpf had made any jokes while on the set, Dondadondonduh's face clouded over (meteorologists had predicted a 73% chance of stormy emotional weather, so I spread my smile umbrella in case it started to rain) and replied, "Oh. You heard about those. Well, I - I can't comment on any of those - it's a condition of the legal settlements. I'm sure you understand. Good - gulp! - times..."

If Ronald McDruhitmumpf's run for the presidency has, in fact, been an elaborate piece of performance art intended to expose the corruption at the heart of Vesampuccerian democracy, why hasn't he announced the fact? When does the exposing actually happen? At what point does an elaborate piece of performance art intended to expose the corruption at the heart of Vesampuccerian democracy become mere corruption without any artistic merit?

"You may not appreciate it when you look at my career," Spacebassraisaaaiiieeee explained, "but good roles are actually hard to come by. When an actor gets a juicy role that he - and the public - loves, he wants to hold on to it for as long as possible."

I must have been looking at him blankly, because Spacebassraisaaaiiieeee continued: "You know how some actors are known for bringing their roles home with them? Well, Ronnie got so caught up in his performance, that he may have lost sight of who he really is; he took the role home with him, and it moved in permanently; it put its feet up on the couch and asked when dinner would be served. Ronnie always had a problem with taking things too far."

Good times.

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