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Chapter 50
January 7, 2018

Almost Like They   Rehearsed     It       [ARNS]

by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer

Today's episode of Sesame Seed Street, children, is brought to you by the letter T (for "Tainted") and the letter...Other T (for "Traitor"), and by the number 0 (which reasonable people can disagree is actually a number while unreasonable people will get into a fistfight over the issue, probably in a bar after they've had a few and esoteric mathematical debates actually seem important - and, which is the amount of time Reduhblicans want to allow Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover to continue investigating McDruhitmumpf administration ties to Fenwick. Pronounced Fen-ick. Because they can be contrary bastards that way).

"When he was six years old, Robert Meullitallover walked a little old lady across the street!" hyperventilated (there is so much air in his head that he has to periodically vent it out of his ears so he doesn't do an impression of Ichabod Crane on the air) Foxindehenhaus News host Sean Hanjobovverfist. "Does it get any more Communist than that, people? I hate to say it, but   it looks like his  investigation  is   tainted!"

"Is the   Meullitallover  investigation   tainted?"  pondered Brian  KissMeadekilmeadenow,  host   of   the  show   Foxindehenhaus     and Fiends.   "One   member    of    his   eam   gave   five  dollars    to    the     campaign    of    Darryl

Roocartoncleveman    when   he    ran   for    student    council    when    they     were    both     in

grade     seven.   When    the      donation   as    discovered,      Meullitallover     immediately

fire
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an,     but

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[Jesus begesus, Grecoromacolluden, what the ferk is going on? Reading your story is like reading Ulysses while undergoing root canal with Parliamentary Question Period going on in the background, only not as much fun! Trust me on this - I speak from experience! Somebody is flapping for a good slapping - convince me it isn't you! EDITRIX-IN-CHIEF BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI]

I'm     sorry     Brend

a
.

I d

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by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer

If I may jump in here, Brenda, I think I know what's going on.

[Jump away, Nancy. And, if you're on the edge of a deep chasm, I hope you're holding an adorable little pink umbrella! BB-G]

The Ferking Communications Commission (FCC) has overturned a Bushbamclintreagbush rule ensuring Net Neutrality.

[Nut neutrality? If you're going to try and convince me that pecans and cashews should be treated as if they are same, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to step outside! Besides, neutrality was given a bad name by Chamberpotpourlain in the 1930s! And, the Swiss. Great chocolate, but bad politics. Why should I care about nut neutrality? BB-G]

Net Neutrality ensured that Internet Service Providers treated all traffic on their systems the same, regardless of where it came from. That meant they couldn't throttle services from rival ISPs or opinions that they didn't li - Brenda? Brenda, are you listening?

[You had me at "throttle." The rest was a word salad with a dressing I don't care for. Or, for that matter, salad. BB-G]

Uuuuuuuhhhhh....okay. Look. Imagine a highway with four lanes. The person who -

[Is it a fast highway? I just souped up the combination hovercraft/coffee maker, and I've been dying to take him for a spin! BB-G]

Umm, well, that's just the thing: the person who owns the road gets to set the speed. The outer lane is really fast. The lane next to it is slower. The lane next to that is even slower. The inner lane? You may as well be driving a snail!

[Chrysler made them in the sixties, no? Doesn't matter. I can see it now: driving in the outer lane with the roof down, the wind not daring to blow my hair if it knows what's good for it. It almost makes working in this dump worthwhile! BB-G]

That's the thing, though. The ISP also gets to set the rates for each lane. So, anybody can drive in the fast outer lane, but they have to pay more.

[How much more? BB-G]

As much as the ISPs think they can get away with charging.

[So, a flaming crapload more? BB-G]

"'Flaming crapload' is not a precise economic measurement, but it's close enough. Yeah. This  could  mean  that   ISPs   could    price   pinions    they    don't   like,    opinions    that   could   affect

their     businesses,

out


of

t
h

e


r



[Oh, for Gord's sake, not you, too! Out of the what? Out of the reclamation of history? Out of the reconfiguration of male-female relationships? Out of the rural sandtrap their drive sliced into? Nancy? NANCY‽]

e


a


c




[Okay. Executive decision time. I have decided...that I hate making executive decisions. Executively decided, I might add. Okay. Much as I am drawn to the idea of strangled communications with our 'journalists' in the field - my only regret being that I cannot do the throttling personally - there's no point paying them if we can't receive their 'reporting' in a timely manner. So...pack up, everybody. We're moving operations to a universe that is exactly the same as the one you're in, only Net Neutrality is still a thing. BB-G]



h


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f



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[Could somebody please tell Nancy and Francis? I suddenly have a craving for almonds... BB-G]

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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!

If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, +

Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes

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Would you be interested in immortality?

The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about +