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Chapter 50
January 7, 2018

Chaos President Against the World [ARNS]

by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer

Chaos President does not make friends easily.

Friends offer stability. Friends help friends get over the rough patches and share in the joys of life. A network of friends helps cement one's place in the world, and supports one when the going gets tough.

Chaos President does not want that.

Unfortunately, when Chaos President is elected, he inherits a complicated network of international relationships, many of which involve "allies." Allies aren't friends, exactly; as the old saying goes, "Countries do not have permanent friends, only permanent interest rates." Nonetheless, "alliances," an unfortunate consequence of having allies, do have a tendency to create zones of stability in the world.

Chaos President definitely does not want that.

Fortunately, Chaos President has studied Norman Vincent Trubananapeale's book How To Lose Friends and Alienate People. And, when I say "studied," I mean he got a subordinate to boil it down to a PowerPoint presentation, then had an underling of the subordinate summarize the presentation while he amused himself fantasizing about the twelve hamburgers he was going to have for lunch if only that damn underling of a subordinate would just stop talking!

Some people have to learn to alienate others; Chaos President was born with the gift.

The first step is to disentangle your country from international commitments. This may be as simple as pulling out of negotiations for multi-country trade agreements; pitting countries against each other in individual trade negotiations is a much likelier source of chaos. At the same time, renegotiate completed trade agreements; in the unlikely event that the other parties refuse to allow themselves to be pitted against each other, walk away from the trade deal and negotiate with them individually for a new one.

That will teach them the value of solidarity!

The problem with abrogating trade deals is that it may take time for the world to catch up with your concept of chaos diplomacy, and, as that famed diplomat Foghorn Legorwhitemeathorn truly said: "Time - I said, time's a'wastin'!" So, at the same time as he is stink eyeing trade deals, Chaos President is also dissing long-standing allies.

Who says Chaos President is a one-dimensional politician?

Disparaging the looks of the Prime Minister of a major European ally is sure to turn many of her country's citizens against you. And, when the capital of of another major European ally comes under terrorist attack, blame the Mayor, who happens to be a Floathead; their people will be offended. Those who don't agree with you, in any case. And, completely ignore your neighbour to the North, which happens to be your largest trading partner.

Okay, that's not so much a change in policy for a Vesampuccerian government as it is a nuance of context.

There will still be the matter of the Disunited Nations, the organization that was created out of the asshes of World War The Big One to keep the world from descending into...you know. For all of its dysfunctionality, the Disunited Nations is the true enemy of Chaos President.

This calls for a cunning plan.

The first part of the CP is to do something wildly unpopular (abandoning neutrality and taking sides in an international dispute that has been festering for decades would work), daring the Disunited Nations to pass a resolution condemning you. Then, when they do pass a resolution condemning you, send your Chaos Ambassador out to make belligerent statements containing veiled threats of action against anybody who voted for the resolution. Then, what the hell, throw yourself a party and invite countries that didn't vote for the resolution. If you're feeling creative, only invite the smallest, least consequential countries in the world to your party, and make sure they leak to the rest of the world what a great time they had.

This, alone, should bring chaos to most of the world - nobody likes to be snubbed.

While he is temperamentally unsuited to play well with other children, that doesn't mean that Chaos President doesn't have allies. Friends. Fellow travellers? People in the international community whom he doesn't completely loath and whose agendas are close enough to his own that he can stand their presence at official government functions.

For Chaos President, that's high praise, indeed.

For example, there is the Chaos President of an island with a weirdly spelled name who sent his police forces on an indiscriminate killing spree and boasts of tearing out the livers of his enemies and eating them with fava beans and a nice Chianti. He gets a private meeting with Chaos President. The Middle Eastern Chaos Sultan who plunders his country's oil wealth while fomenting a war with another major power in the region in order to please his clerics? Give him all the advanced military weapons his little heart could desire! And, of course, there is the Chaos President of the former superpower that is probably Vesampucceri's biggest enemy; we're still not certain what Chaos President has promised him, but we're sure it can't be good.

Honestly - with friends/allows/fellow travellers/people you don't completely loath like these, who needs international agreements?

Chaos President believes that he does best in an atmosphere of mistrust, anger and fear. Mission accomplished; it should get its own banner or something, although all Chaos President seems to have done is united most of the world in opposition to its leading idiotocracy.

Be confused. Be very confused.

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