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Chapter 50
January 7, 2018

The Daily Me - Insidious Cleavage II: The Cleavaging

Thank you, Insidious Cleavage II: The Cleavaging, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a magazine called Youpi claimed that Israel was among a handful of states that aren't "real countries," and the Prime Minister of Poland told US Envoy to the United Nations Nikki Haley that the nation of Binomo was a real country. Is it any wonder that American foreign policy is so...confused? Okay, Youpi's readership is five to eight year-olds, but that makes it ideal policy reading for the President! And, sure, the Prime Minister of Poland wasn't really the Prime Minister of Poland - he was two Russian comedians pretending to be the Prime Minister of Poland. But, we're sure they can be fitted out with a passport and other ID identifying them as the Prime Minister of Poland that would be good enough to get them through American airport security. Rex Tillerson knows a guy.

You've got to admit: confusing as it may be, this is much more fun than boring old diplomacy!

The Daily Me Staff

I'd Rather Watch Sausages Being Made...And, I'm A Vegan!

There was confusion in the Senate yesterday when Roy Moore appeared demanding to be sworn in as the new Senator from the grate state of Alabama. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell wasn't sure what to do because Moore had not won the special election for the seat, his Democratic opponent Doug Jones had.

"Let us not be hasty about this," McConnell commented as the two men jostled for the space in front of him. "There are points of procedure on which reasonable can disagree..."

"I won by 20,000 votes!" Jones angrily responded, dodging an elbow to the gut. "The state Board of Elections certified my victory! The good Lord appeared in the clouds and pointed a finger at me! I won! I won! I - hey! Gimme that!"

Moore wrested the microphone from Jones' grasp and shouted: "The election was rigged! They let all those nigras vote! If they had stopped them from voting, I woulda won in a mudslide!"

Looking faintly embarrassed (although it could have been gas), McConnell swore Jones in.

SOURCE: Deadline News Network


8. Adam Sandler In Anything But Punch Drunk Love

Seven actors whose performances in films we'd like to see replaced by Christopher Plummer

1. Tommy Wiseau, The Room
2. Jar Jar Binks, The Phantom Menace
3. Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
4. Moe Howard, Stooge for a Day
5. Shirley Temple, Curly Top
6. Bela Lugosi, Plan Nine From Outer Space
7. George Lazenby, On Her Majesty's Secret Service

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists


Yuh Drink‽

Nick Kouvalis, once an aide to former Mayor Rob Ford, has been charged with breaking and entering after he was found in a Kelseys restaurant hours after closing time.

Kouvalis is reported to have told police officers who arrived on the scene: "I'm looking for some - hic! - 'scuse me - I had French cuisine for dinner and my system is rebelling against - it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Doesn't. Ssh. I heard for a limited time that the restaurant is offering McRibs! I love those things! Licking the sauce off my fingers? Yum yum yum! Licking the sauce off other people's fingers? Even bet - officer, why are you looking at me like that? You prefer the McChicken wrap?"

Kouvalis may have been intoxicated.



President Trump Plans To Make It A Christmas Tradition

It's a Wonderful Life. 2018. Written and directed by: Gus van Sant. Starring: George Clooney, Patton Oswalt, Jessica Chastain. In another formal experiment, van Sant remakes the classic Frank Capra film based on contemporaneous criticism by the FBI, which believed it was Communist propaganda that "maligned the upper class, attempting to show the people who had money were mean and despicable characters. The remake portrays banker Potter as "following the rules as laid down by the State Bank Examiners in connection with making loans."

It is five minutes long. If it is successful, van Sant is rumoured to be working on a 10 minutes director's cut.

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database


Time Travelling Legal Scholars Can't Wait To See How It Plays In The Courts
But, Then Again, They Don't Have To

Russian officials are calling for the arrest of opposition leader Alexei Navalny, claiming that his calls for an election boycott breaks the country's laws.

"And, if they don't break the law," said Duma legislator Sergei Koruptkin, "we should arrest him anyway. We can always rewrite the law and make it retroactive!"



When Asked Why He Didn't Just Bring His Own Ketchup, The President Responded, "Hunh! That How You Treat A Guest? Sad Barbaric!"

Breaking with a 40 year tradition, American President Donald Trump has not visited Canada within his first year in office.

"I'm a big fan of Canader," the President responded to a question about the snub. "I love their little dances and how they end every sentence with 'er.' You know, like, 'How's it goin', er?" The problem is, I've been told they don't have any ketchup down there. How is a person supposed to have a civilized meal without ketchup? It's three of the four basic food groups right there! It's barbaric. And, sad. Sad barbaric. So....what was the question, again?"

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

<[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591831813&call_pageid=968335278492&col=668666965965]br /> more

Are You Buying That Accent? I Don't - I Mean - Seriously, Are You Buying That Accent?

Police have been trying to determine how two Pepsi machines made their way into a potato field in New Brunswick. They are missing the obvious.

"They were planted there, o'course," said Farmer Clem, host of CCTV's That There Farmin' With Farmer Clem. "Coke machines grow wild - once they take root in your garden, they're worse'n dandelions - you have to burn the whole lot to the ground and start fresh next season. A good harvest o' Coke machines can keep a farmer warm and well fed for three winters - four iffen he's growin' them with them there fancy tap payment systems! And, the best part? Ain't no Coke machine marketin' boards to tell ya how much ta sell yer crop for!"

SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal


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