January 14, 2018
Big Swinging Button [ARNS]
by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Twitherd wars take on a whole new meaning when nuclear weapons become involved!
To celebrate the New Year, North Korean dictator Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg tweeped, "You know, I hate to be one to toot my own horn or anything, but I happen to have a red button on my desk. Prominently on my desk. Permanently on my desk. It sits right next to my Kierkegaard. I would say that was somewhat toot-worthy, and definitely a fact of which our country's enemies should be cognizant."
At 2:37 the following morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweepsponded: "Red Button? What is that supposed to mean? Does it change Traffic Lights? Did it come off his Santa Suit? Does he push the Red Button whenever he wants Commie Chinese food in the middle of the night? And, how long are the Chinese gonna supply him with takeout, anyway? #actionisneededherechiner"
At 2:39, President McDruhitmumpf tweepfollowedup: "Oh, THAT Red Button. Well, I hope the madman of...Mole people is congerizant of the fact that I too have a Red Button. A Nuclear One! But it is much biglier and more powerful than his, and my Button works! #ohhhbaybabyhowitworks"
"Did the President just..." asked conservative political pundit Max Bootiliciouser, his upper lip quivering emotionally. "I mean, no President has ever - no President would ever - did he compare the size of his - flippantly threaten nuclear war...on Twitter‽ I just - I mean - did that just happen?"
"I think what Max is trying to say," translated token smart person candidate Srinivas Pachinkopallor as Bootiliciouser started sobbing quietly to himself, "is that the President's comb-over is so obviously fake that it is to weep."
"The President of the United States of Vesampucceri may have a bigger button," dictator Kimsongfaluson tweepoked, "but mine is redder. Ah, red. The colour of passion. The colour of love. The colour of blood. My button is so much more than that loser's button will ever be!"
At 2:37 the following morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweepsnorted, "You know what else is red? DISEASED TISUE! Sick, sad, seriously diseased. You know, from sticking your Button where it doesn't belong! Mine is a Healthy Button. Believe me - my Button is the Healthiest the World has ever seen!"
Bootiliciouser's jaw dropped. "I - he - no - sob! - I don't believe - sob! - what is the matter with that ma - AH AH AH! BAAAAWWWWW! WAAAAA! BWAAAAA!"
"If I understand what Max is trying to say," token smart person candidate Pachinkopallor interpreted, "there's no use crying over spilled milk. Whatever you may feel about the 2016 election, Ronald McDruhitmumpf is President, and he will open wildlife preserves to oil companies to drill in if he wants to!"
"Vesampuccerians always need to be the biggest at everything," dictator Kimsongfaluson tweeptaunted. "It makes one wonder what they are compensating for? It's not the size of your button that counts, Ronnie - it's what you do with it."
At 2:37 the following morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeproared, "Listn, pall, I'nm not condensating for anything! women have never complained about my Button! What perverted things do you use YOUR Button for? #idontreallywanttoknow #justhittingbelowtherhetoricalbelt"
"BAAAAW AW AW AW AW!" Bootiliciouser let the tears flow freely. In a very pundit-like way. "This...this...this is what the - sob! - what the Reduhblican Party has...has...has...has BWAAAAA! AWW AWW AWW - OIK!"
"I...I'm not sure what Max is trying to say," token smart person candidate Pachinkopallor admitted. "But, he really seems upset about something, boy. Somebody should get that man a Valium!"
"Ah...no, Ah...Ah don't think the Vesampuccerian position on North Korea has changed," extemporaneousized (because "one extemporaneousize fits all") Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders. "Thuh President has always advocated a muscular stance when it comes to North Korea's nuclear weapons, and Ah believe that that policy has not changed."
And, the tweets?
"Wuhl, as my momma Angeline Wannabe-Panders used to say," Press Secretary Wannabe-Panders answered, "boys will be boys."
"Zey certainly vill," agreed sex therapist Doctor Ruth Westfrankenheimer. "Ze Prezident and ze North Korean dictator are displaying vat ve in ze zex biz call 'Big Svinging Buttons.'" Zis is a public display for dominance of ze community. You haf probably seen it in bars, or in nature shows on your TV, vere ze male leaders of ape tribes wave zier buttons at each other to determine who is ze strongest, yes? Zis is not common in in international diplomacy, except for 1963, of course, but it makes sense. Scary, nuclear Armageddon type sense."
Bootiliciouser's sob could be heard all the way to Grand Fenwick.