January 14, 2018
Bimono Dreaming: Wish It Was Here [ARNS]
by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service Revolution/War/Disasters Writer
The United States of Vesampucceri has demanded that the Disunited Nations place extreme sanctions (hey, if there can be extreme bunny hops and extreme ice cream, it was only a matter of time!) on Iran for interfering with the elections in Bimono. It is
believed alleged rumoured that Iran planted false information about one of the candidates in the election on social media, facilitating its preferred candidate to become President of the small island nation in the South China Sea.
"The sanctity of the democratic process is sacred," argued Vesampuccerian envoy to the DN Nikki Bilhaleycommits. "And, really important. The Bimono people have the right to self-determination. If the Iranian government is interfering with that, then oooooooh, it makes me so mad!"
So mad she could spit sanctions? "You just watch how mad it makes me!" Bilhaleycommits appeared to enthusiastically answer the question, but didn't really. Sneaky DN envoy!
"We stand with the Bimono people," said Secretary of State (at the Moment) T-Rex "For The" Tillerovlandzman. "They are a brave, noble people fighting for rights that Vesampuccerians take for granted, fighting against a big bully that won't be satisfied until it dominates the world."
What if Iran defies the Disunited Nations? "They will regret it," Secretary of State (And He Dares You To Say Otherwise) Tillerovlandzman stated. How will they regret it? "Big time, like realize that you missed out on the best partner that you will ever have in your life sized regrets," Secretary of State (It Still Says So On His Business Cards, So...) Tillerovlandzman explained without really explaining. Aaaand, what will cause them to have these regrets? "I wouldn't want to undermine our efforts in the area by revealing too much too soon," Secretary of State (He's Not Gonna Plead With You For Recognition Because That Would Be Pathetic) Tillerovlandzman appeared to be prudent when he was actually being evasive.
To sum up what was happening, at 2:37 in the morning United States President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "Bimono good. Iran bad. Boooooooo Iran! #blackandwhite"
The Disunited Nations completely ignored the Vesampuccerian demand that it do something to protect the beleaguered nation of Bimono. "It's like they didn't believe that the threat was real," envoy Bilhaleycommits commented.
"It's typical of the Disunited Nations, really," Secretary of State (Last Time We Checked) Tillerovlandzman agreed. "If the United States of Vesampucceri takes a position on an issue, they come out against it. They would rather deal with the plight of starving children in South Whogivesacrapistan than the imminent threat to the Bimono people!"
At 2:37 that morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: "Boooooo Disunited Nations! Bigly booooooo! #donttheyknowwhatevilis"
Not having any luck with the General Assembly, President McDruhitmumpf directed envoy Bilhaleycommits to get a resolution through the DN Insecurity Council (the group of nations that ruled the world 70 years ago) condemning the interference in the Bimono election.
"They laughed me out of the room," envoy Bilhaleycommits said in a message to the President which was leaked within ten minutes of her sending it, a new personal best. "It was like our efforts to safeguard democracy in Bimono were a big joke to them!"
"Yeah, like, crazy, man," said token smart person candidate Maynard G. Krebapplepigneiss. "I mean, here you are, like, the biggest kahuna in the world, right? And, you, like, wanna start a war over a country that doesn't even exist? Can you dig it? Ker-a-zee, man!"
The McDruhitmumpf administration held its collective breath and cried, "Whuuuuuuut‽"
"I mean, they weren't, like, you know, subtle or anything about it," token smart person candidate Krebapplepigneiss continued. "I mean, whoa, the Polish Prime Minister who told the, like, Vesampuccerian envoy about Bimono was named Adolfo Fuddleduddlepuss? Seriously? How, like, high do you have to be to, like, believe that?"
In another email which took all of 12 minutes to leak, envoy Bilhaleycommits assured the President that she hadn't done any drugs that he hadn't introduced her to.
Other that that, the McDruhitmumpf administration was silent on the issue for two days (one of which, admittedly, was ChristmaKwaanzUkah Day). Then, at 2:37 in the morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped, "Iran backing away from plans to metal in Bimono election. Huge win for international diplomacy! Which my administration does better than any other in the history of war!! And peace! But mostly war! #chokeonthatBushbamclintreagbush"
"Far out, man," token smart person candidate Krebapplepigneiss. "And, those, like, cats say the drugs I'm doing are dangerous!
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