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Chapter 51
January 14, 2018

The Daily Me - Insidious Cleavage III: Insidiouser Cleavage

Thank you, Insidious Cleavage III: Insidiouser Cleavage, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were still recovering from our New Year's hangovers when we discovered that the top 100 CEOs in Canada had already made more money than we would make in the entire year! And, we're talking about the morning of January 2! Okay, the late morning. Fiiiiiiine, the early afternoon, if you must know. Can we please focus on what's important, here?

The wealthiest people in the country may be drinking the finest champagne to celebrate the new year, but it's the rest of us who are going to suffer the hangover!

The Daily Me Staff

Expect This Tweet Tomorrow: "I Am Be Greet Luvver, Too!"

And, then, Washington had its Bizarro Earth moment.

At 2:37 this morning, President Donald Trump tweeted, "I am be smartiest prezident in whole history of world universe. Smartie! Smartee! Smartey! That am be me! #suckitobama"

Because this is the pattern we've seen throughout history. Leonardo da Vinci. Albert Einstein. Shecky Green. The smartest people have to constantly attest to the world how brilliant they are so the world doesn't forget.

SOURCE: The Postington Wash


NuttinbuttAir Responds To Critics: "Remember How Often You Complained About Gilligan's Island? We TRY To Listen To Your Concerns, And Sarcasm Is The Thanks We Get?"

Some airlines are considering ridding their planes of seatback screens that provide passengers with entertainment. Since most passengers now get entertainment on their phones or other portable electronic devices, the screens are no longer considered necessary.

Let me see if I understand this correctly. Airline passengers will no longer have access to weeks old TV shows and months old movies. They will have access to weeks old TV shows, months old movies or the Internet if they are willing to pay an extra fee.

Ah, progress!

SOURCE: Safe Xtreme Vacations


The Public Has A Number Of Choice Words For The TTC

One of the new subway stations that recently opened in Toronto features an art installation involving several computer screens and a row of electronic lights spanning the platform on which could be displayed words. Riders in the station could type words into the computer that would then be displayed over their heads. At least, that was the plan. TTC executives won't allow the art installation to function because they discovered that anonymous communications fosters the use of extreme language, language which may be offensive to some and inappropriate for children.

Have TTC executives never met the Internet?

SOURCE: Toronto Stunned


Makes A Sour Face (Or, More Accurately: Doesn't Stop Making His Usual Sour Face),
Tells Pence To Lick Year Off His Shoes.
Pence Cheerfully Complies

"Trump steps into 2018" - Toronto Sun

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes


The First Words Out Of Her mouth Will Be: "But, I Was Born In Austria!"

The New Year's tradition for a long time has been to publish the name of the first child born after midnight on January 1st. This year in Vienna, it was Asel Tamga, born to Naime and Alper Tamga.

To celebrate her birth, this year's New Year's baby was greeted with a torrent of hate on Farcebook. "I don't care if she's only a few hours old, she should be jailed for her part in 7/11!" wrote @dumbass4liberty. ""She should go back to where she came from!" wrote @unclearontheconcept1027. If this becomes a tradition, we'll need a new calendar!



Oddly Enough, Nobody Asked The River For Its Opinion On The Matter

An Alberta judge who once asked why a river that had been polluted by chemicals allegedly illegally dumped into it by a major corporation didn't "keep its knees together," is asking the Law Society of Alberta to allow him to practice law in the province again.

"His trangressions related to a lack of sensitivity and knowledge in the area of environmental regulation," Alain Hepner wrote on behalf of Robin Camp in his final submission to the Law Society. "They did not evidence a lack of good character or dishonesty or other objectionable conduct."

Rivers rights groups across the country were outraged.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul


"I Know Quite A Few Members I Wouldn't Mind Putting In A Box And Never Letting Out..."

The Israeli Knesset has passed a law requiring a supermegamaximajority to relinquish control over any part of Jerusalem. The amendment bars the government from ceding Israeli sovereignty over any part of Jerusalem without approval of at least 150 of the legislature's 120 members.

"I'm not - I - what?" responded Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas. "I'm not sure how this would even work - maybe in a quantum Knesset where the existence of members was multiplied by being in a flux state? I will say this: any recourse to quantum physics would indicate that the Israeli government is not serious about pursuing a just peace in the region!"

SOURCE: The Arad Post


"Hi, Boris! Have A Cookie"

In 2018, the World Health Organization is planning on adding "gaming disorder" to its list of diseases. Symptoms of the disease include not knowing when to stop playing, not being able to keep oneself from playing and increasingly prioritizing gaming as more important than daily activities like eating, sleeping or socializing.

We can already see what's coming: "Hi. My name is Boris. And, I'm a chess addict..."

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report


He Does His Best Thinking On The Back Nine
Not That The Average Person Would Be Able To Distinguish It From His Worst Thinking...

Chaos President reviewed the challenges that would be facing him in 2018. How would he deal with the madman running North Korea getting nuclear weapons? How would he help his party wrestle down the debt - which they added over a trillion dollars to in their tax cuts package - without breaking his promise not to cut funds to Medicare or Medicaid? How would he once and for all derail the Special Prosecutor's investigation into THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS? How could he fix the mid-term elections to ensure the Reduhblican Party maintained its majority in both Houses of Congress? Would he ever be able to catch up with the TV series Game of Cards?

Chaos President knew what he needed to do. He rolled up his sleeves, wiped the sweat from his brow and left for a round of golf.

SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service


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