January 21, 2018
What the Heck Do You Know? About the McDruhitmumpf Administration [ARNS]
When it comes to the McDruhitmumpf administration, it seems like there's some new outrage every day. Some days, every hour. You probably think you're keeping up with it all pretty well. But, are you? Are you really? Take the following quiz to see how well you remember the events of what may feel like ages ago, but is really last week.
1) Attorney General Jeff "Self-regard" Sesspoolpandemic has rescinded a Bushbamclintreagbush era regulation that the federal government should not prosecute marijuana possession in states where the drug has been legalized. Wait a minute! Wait just a hairy minute! Aren't the Reduhblicans supposed to be the party of States rights? What ever happened to that?
a) they keep the idea in a box in a closet in a little used area of the Grey House and take it out whenever it will serve to rile up their base
b) it moved to late night talk show land, where political ideas go to be made fun of
c) the Reduhblican attitude is "states rights if necessary, but not necessarily states rights." Is this the more Canada that the world really needed?
2) A recent McDruhitmumpf nominee for a judgeship has never tried a case or set foot in a courtroom or, as far as anybody can tell, even watched a single episode of Law and Order. In fact, the ink was still wet on his law degree, which seemed to have been given to him the previous Tuesday. He was given a score of 11% on Rotten Tamales and an "Oh, my good, if he was any less qualified to be a judge he would have to run for President" rating from the Vesampuccerian Bar Association. Wait a minute! Wait just a hairy eyeballing minute! Aren't the Reduhblicans supposed to be the party of law and order? How could they support such a candidate with a straight face?
a) plastic surgery has rendered much of their face immobile
b) the Reduhblicans get laughter out of their system in closed sessions; if somebody from a major TV network could sneak a microphone into one of those sessions, they could supply sitcoms with laugh tracks for the next hundred years
c) because they were never clear on the whole "laughing at you/laughing with you" dichotomy, so they decided to do their best to avoid the issue entirely
3) It was recently revealed that President McDruhitmumpf sent emissaries to the Department Of Injustice to convince Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic not to recuse himself from the Fenwick investigation. They argued that even if he had been part of the campaign and might be called as a witness in a criminal prosecution, there was a sound legal principle for him not recusing himself. What was that principle?
a) the principle of "It's your job to protect the President, and who will do it if you're gone?"
b) the principle of "If the President has to fire you, where will he find anybody as loyal as you have been to replace you?"
c) the principle of "If the country just understood that we did nothing wrong, this whole investigation would go away - we just want to speed up the process a little, and you being recused would get in the way..."
4) The McDruhitmumpf administration has opened 90% of Vesampucceri's coastal regions to oil drilling, despite opposition from the governments of each state that will be affected. Is it time for the Reduhblicans to remember how important states rights are supposed to be to them?
a) time is just a rubber band. Time is at our command. So...no
b) no - having a time machine means they can always come back and fix their mistakes
c) time is relative, as anybody who has had to sit through a Senate Rules Committee hearing can attest. What looks to you like years might, to a Reduhblican, feel like...years, too, but different ones. So, uhh...not if the party isn't ready
4A) Wait! The Reduhblicans have a time machine?
a) of course not. Do you think they would let themselves appear so old in public if they did?
b) of course not! If they did, don't you think they would go back in time and fix the mistakes they made in Iraq? Unless, I suppose, they never learned the mistakes they made in Iraq...
c) of course not! Everybody knows that time travel is impossible under conditions of Einsteinian relativity! ...Why? What did you hear tomorrow?
5) Oh, wait. Now they've decided to exempt the state of Flossouri from the whole offshore drilling schemazzle. Why would the Reduhblicans do that?
a) Flossouri Governor Rick Lethemovscottfrey asked the McDruhitmumpf administration not to
b) he asked very nicely
c) and, really, he can be very persuasive when he's being nice
d) it has something to do with his smile
e) Flossouri Governor Rick Lethemovscottfrey has a devastatingly warm smi - oh, alright! The Reduhblicans can't afford to lose any seats in Flossouri! Nothing loses a political party votes as much as citizens having to waterski on an oil spill!
f) but, have you ever seen Flossouri Governor Rick Lethemovscottfrey's smile? Devastating!
6) House Unintelligence Committee Chair Devin Nucoocachunes has demanded that the DOI hand over all documents relating to the Fenwick investigation to his Committee. But...but...but...hadn't he recused himself from anything to do with Fenwick?
a) recusal? Recusal is just...a state of mind, really. And, you have to have a mind to have a state of mind...
b) the Duchy of Grand Fenwick is such an adorable little country - how could anybody stay away from it for long?
c) it wasn't him - it was Joseph McCarthy wearing his face
7) Ronald McDruhitmumpf was the first President in 40 years to not visit Canada in his first year in office. How will this affect his popularity?
a) less than a gnat's fart in a hurricane
b) about as much as a gnat's fart in a hurricane
c) he will be despised. Absolutely hated, if you must know. He'll be as welcome as the bubonic pla - oh, wait. Are you talking about his popularity in Canada? No? You're talking about his popularity in Vesampucceri? Oh. In that case, a little more than a gnat's fart in a hurricane
8) President McDruhitmumpf threatened North Korea with nuclear war. North Korean dictator Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg yawned and killed another dozen political protesters. Once your threat of nuclear war has been called, where do you go?
a) to bed, and you'll sleep soundly in the knowledge of a job well done
b) to the Disunited Nations to complain that they gave a peace prize to former President Bushbamclintreagbush instead of you, who deserved it much more bigly
9) As of this writing, 29...30 - no, make that 31 Republican Congresspeople have said that they will not be running for reelection (although, admittedly, it is still morning). Why the heavy turnover?
a) they all want to spend more time with their families. Even those who have no family. Especially those who have no family
b) they've had so much fun working with President McDruhitmumpf that they want others to share in their joy - Reduhblican Congresspeople can be very generous that way
10) Colleges are full of teachers who, according to the President, "train your children to hate our country." On what basis do he and the Redihblicans make these claims?
a) no major college in the United States offers a seminar in race-baiting or a course on the positive effects of segregation
b) a professor at the State University of Butte Fuque, Iowexas once said that he wasn't sure McDruhitmumpf would make a good President, so the whole education system is corrupt
c) Brian KissMeadekilmeadenow said it was so on Foxindehenhaus and Fiends, so it must be true
11) President McDruhitmumpf has stated that Amazon, which owns the Washburningdington Post, has cheated the Vesampuccerian Postal Service, which delivers its packages, out of billions of dollars. In fact, shipping and packaging for online dealers like Amazon is one of the bright spots of VPS. Who is peddling fake news now?
a) the President doesn't make fake news, he uses "alternative facts," which is completely different
b) you for answering this obviously unpatriotic question. Shame on you!
c) Brian KissMeadekilmeadenow on Foxindehenhaus and Fiends (but don't tell the President - he's a big fan)
12) Match the following quotes about President McDruhitmumpf to the Reduhblican politician who said them, then rank them in order of embarrassing obsequiousness:
a) "On behalf of the entire senior staff around you Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you've given us to serve your agenda and the Vesampuccerian people."
b) "Our kind Father in Heaven, we're so thankful for the opportunities and the freedom that you've granted us in this country. We thank you for a president and for Cabinet members who are courageous, who are willing to face the winds of controversy in order to provide a better future for those who come behind us. We're thankful for the unity in Congress that has presented an opportunity for our economy to expand so that we can fight the corrosive debt that has been destroying our future."
c) "Mr. President, I have to say that you're living up to everything I thought you would. You're a heck of a leader. And we're all benefiting from it. This president hasn't even been in office for a year and look at all the things that he's been able to get done - by sheer will, in many ways. …I came from very humble roots. And I have to say that this is one of the great privileges of my life to stand here on the White House lawn with the president of the United States who I love and appreciate so much … We're going to make this the greatest presidency that we've seen, not only in generations, but maybe ever."
d) "I want to thank you, Mister President. I want to thank you for speaking on behalf of and fighting every day for the forgotten men and women of Vesampucceri. Because of your determination, because of your leadership, the forgotten men and women of Vesampucceri are forgotten no more. And, we are making Vesampucceri great again."
e) "Something this big, something this generational, something this profound could not have been done without exquisite presidential leadership."
i) retiring Senator Orrin Berrydahatchet
ii) Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carsonogenic
iii) Vice President Michael Pendenatendance
iv) Speaker of the House Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap
v) former Chief of Staff Reincid Priecerebulbus
13) What is whitelash?
a) an albino getting a hair in its eye
b) a whip made of snow
c) you know how white people are cool with taking responsibility for oppressing Vesampuccerian people of colour for centuries? It's the opposite of that...
14) Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Rossinantehead said that he was disappointed that a negotiated agreement to the duties the US has placed on Canadian softwood could not be made, and he wanted to assure people that "the United States of Vesampucceri is committed to free, fair and reciprocal trade with Canada." What evidence is there to support this?
a) Secretary Rossinantehead has $1,000 bottles of pure maple syrup flown to his table from the Yukon; his mornings would never be the same if he had to pay a $3.99 tariff on them
b) the guiding principle of Vesampuccerian negotiators has been to let Canada keep the shirt on its back (mostly because President McDruhitmumpf is jealous of Prime Minister Justin Tymeerutiendoh's abs)
c) when President McDruhitmumpf threatens to cancel the North Vesampucceri Free Trade Agreement, he hardly ever threatens to use his big, strong button against Canada. Not using the button is fair, and it is certainly reciprocal, and Canada is free to to stew quietly in its own juices if it doesn't like it!
15) Senate Judiciary Committee Chair Gasleygrassteahee and Senator Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum have demanded that the DOI investigate Christopher Steelyerselfforitt, who compiled a Dossier on the connection between the McDruhitmumpf campaign and the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. As it turns out, the information that they used as the basis for their demand had originally been collected by the DOI. Can they get away with this?
a) sure - Reduhblican lawmakers can't spell recursion, much less define it
b) sure - it's not like the DOI has any real crime to investigate
c) you bet! When their job is done, they'll get medals from the President. Or, pardons. He can be generous that way. Or, capricious
16) Diane Feirsteintheatre, the ranking Dumboprat on the Senate Judiciary Committee, unilaterally released the transcript of a 10 hour interview with the head of Confusion GPS, which funded the Steelyerselfforitt Dossier research. The transcript contained detailed discussions of weather patterns in western Europe in the 1630s, whether allowing Swedes into the NHL enhanced or detracted from the quality of play in the sport and a recipe for egg salad sandwiches. (I can't wait for the director's cut!) So far, reaction to the release of the documents has been, "Meh. We kinda figured most of this stuff already." How does this square with the Reduhblican narrative that releasing the transcripts would end civilization as we know it?
a) oh, is that what happened to civilization? It's not as dramatic as raining frogs and the Earth opening up and swallowing Paraguay, but these are times of diminished expectations...
b) if you follow End of World prophecies from the Book of Revelations, you know that the firm, definite, utterly certain, this time it is absolutely going to happen end of the world is a moving target
c) what are you talking about? The world did end! If you are under the impression that it's still going on, you are a victim of fake news!
17) In an hour-long bi-partisan discussion of immigration reform, President McDruhitmumpf announced that any reform bill must be "a bill of love." When a Reduhblican exclaimed, "But, we hate immigrants!" the President nodded and said, "Yes, that's a fair point." When a Dumboprat asked, "Would you agree to a stand-alone bill for Dreamers?" the President answered that he would. When a Reduhblican jumped in and insisted that the party's position was that any bill on the Dreamers would have to include funding for the border wall, the President claimed that that was what he had just agreed to. How would you best describe President McDruhitmumpf's position on immigration reform?
a) clear as mud
b) solid as air
c) House Speaker Paul Ryboehnbachblisscrap's problem
18) The Commerce Department levies duties averaging 6.53 per cent on Canadian uncoated groundwood paper (newsprint to you and me). Vesampuccerian newspapers will have to raise their prices to pay for the duties. How does this make Vesampucceri great again?
a) less fake news
d) honestly, less fake news. I mean, how else could it make Vesampucceri great again?
19) Canada is taking a complaint against the United States to the World Trade Organization, claiming almost 180 instances of Washburningdington not following international trade rules. How bad do you have to be to piss off Canadians?
a) kick a blind three legged dog bad
b) put meat in a vegan's dish without their knowledge at your restaurant bad
c) not that bad, really, but you do have to put up with a lot of apologizing (the complaint to the WTO contains the word "sorry" 327 times); you should avoid pissing off Canadians because they're just too ferking weird
20) How badly will the release of Michael Peterandiewolff's tell all behind the scenes book Fire and Fury (in Falsetto) hurt the McDruhitmumpf administration?
a) it will cause at least...hold on while I roll the 20 sided die...and, again...and, again...43 hit points of damage - if the McDruhitmumpf administration doesn't level up soon, it could run out!
b) it will be bad, very bad. Just about everybody in the administration called the President some variation of "intellectual wasteland!" ...Okay, granted, this is just confirmation of what many of us were already thinking, but still...
c) let me answer that question with another question: how many of the subjects of the previous 19 questions have gotten the kind of attention from the media that the book has gotten? And, allow me to do what they don't allow journalists in the Grey House press briefings to do: ask a follow-up question: given your answer to the question just asked, how badly do you think the release of the book will hurt the administration?
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