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Chapter 52
January 21, 2018

Fake News is Sprinkled With False Facts,
But on Twitter You Can Get Them in Their Purest Form

To celebrate my home and native land's 150th birthday, this is False Facts about Canada Month.
1. The best-selling sex manual in Canada is called The Canoe Sutra.
2. Canadian serial killers leave mints on the pillows of their victims.
3. Anne of Green Gables is a potent alcoholic beverage in Newfoundland.
4. Canada had an atomic bomb once, but it got lost in a military reorganization and hasn't been seen or heard of since.
5. For a couple of years, the best known Canadian icon was a guy who ranted in a beer commercial.
6. Seriously. When the ranting dude commercial was taken off the air, millions of Canadians mourned.
7. John Wayne and Frank Schuster were a beloved Canadian comedy act. They performed many sketches about the American frontier.
8. The country's economy was built on the beaver trade; echoes of this remain in the Quebec porn industry.
9. Author Stephen Leacock found economics too exciting; he became a humourist to calm his nerves.
10. The national sport is moose volleyball; Canadians tell others it's hockey to avoid having to explain the game to them.
11. Ontarians burned down the White House because they were cold and wanted to save their own wood for winter.
12. A portrait of the completion of the railroad that united the country in its hatred of Ottawa is known as "The Last Spite."
13. Every Canadian lives within 100 miles of the US border except Angus "Mad Penguin" McGurk. But, nobody liked him anyway.
14. Canada is an Iroquois word meaning, "We welcome our pale skinned brothers. What is the worst that can happen?"
15. Native Canadians celebrate Canada's history by drinking Anne of Green Gableses until they forget the worst that could happen.
16. Before they discovered oil, Alberta's largest export industry was ten gallon hats.
17. Poutine was once a Quebecois punishment for errant children, many of whom grew up to run their own restaurants.
18. Canada has an amazing fossil record. In 1999, a 445 million year old fossil of the first DJ was found in Manitoba.
19. If you say aloud you don't like Kraft Dinner with ketchup, you have to write a citizenship test at the Ministry of Canadianness.
20. IMAX was created because Canadians have poor eyesight from looking at the aurora borealis too often.
21. Toronto is the most multicultural city in the world. Nobody knows what that means, but it looks good in tourist brochures.
22. John Grisham once wrote a legal thriller set in Canada called The Pemmican Brief.
23. Canadian James Bluh invented the variegated t-screw, which was vital to Americans getting a man on the moon.
24. The maple leaf is the favourite pizza topping of 73% of Canadians.
25. Gordon Lightfoot and Bruce Cockburn are actually the same person, displaced 30 years in time.
26. In court, Nova Scotians swear to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me cod."
27. Superman's logo was based on artist Joe Schuster's fond memories of traffic signs in his native Toronto.
28. Canadians have 27 meanings for the phrase "take off!" Only 11 of them shouldn't be shared in front of children.
29. Responsible government was established in the country in 1848. Politicians stopped talking about it in 1849.
30. The Canadian population says "eh" in over 150 languages.
31. In grade 3, Canadian children are taught a course on "121 Uses for Duct Tape."

To celebrate America's belief in developing reality-based knowledge, this is False Facts about SCIENCE! Month...
1. If you put Mentos in a bottle of soda in Illinois, a hurricane happens in China.
2. A light year is 23% faster than a heavy year.
3. Any claim that contains a number to three or more decimal places must be true.
4. Sunlight causes 37% weight gain in lab rats.
5. Black holes suck in all matter; the only thing that escapes them is waves of despair.
6. Electricity is a gas.
7. In the 1950s, Russia sent 1,000 monkeys into space to write The Right Stuff.
8. String theory explains how cats play in 11 dimensions.
9. The application of baking soda is a good way to treat third degree burns.
10. The Arabic discovery of zero was the beginning of the denigration of nerd culture.
11. James Faraday did his best work locked in a cage
12. Mixing potassium iodide and mercury makes for a tasty cake batter...
13. The Internet was created by cats to give them a way to share their home movies.
14. This is why the Internet sees censorship as a big, angry dog and routes messages around it.
15. If Newton had been sitting under an orange tree, gravity would have been 4% more attractive...and 7% juicier.
16. SPEED x ACCELERATION = a healthy insurance industry.
17. Sinks drain counterclockwise in the southern hemisphere because Australians are contrary bastards.
18. Eating powdered lug nuts causes Advanced Disgusting Eye Puss Syndrome in lab rats.
19. Bandwidth is the measure of how much equipment musicians can fit on a stage.
20. People who don't get flu shots are protected by the "heard" theory (that the illness is caught by germs in their ears).
21. You don't have to get the flu shot because of the heard effect - if a celebrity said it, it must be true.
22. If both your parents and all your grandparents had blue eyes, you have a 97% chance of having a Karl Malden nose.
23. She who dies with the most tabs open in her browser wins!
24. If an AI goes berserk and tries taking over the world, the janitor will be legally responsible.
25. CANCER: Your belief in science helps you debunk superstitious beliefs.
26. Static cling happens when two romantically attached statics are told they can no longer see each other.
27. Donald Trump's presidency explains Fermi's paradox.
28. Life begins when you start touching yourself when you're a child (the gestation period may just take over a decade!).
29. The only reason for the creation of an elevator to the moon is to be the setting of the next Die Hard movie.
30. Lab rats subjected to 27 hours of Survivor developed nervous tics and an aversion to their mates.
31. Studies universally agree: it sucks to be a lab rat.

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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!

If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, +

Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes

I now have a Facebook author/fan/whatever you want to call it page: Ira Nayman's Thrishty Friednishes. Go, look around, like it if you feel so inclined and feel free to leave a comment. I have only just started it, so it may be a little sparse at the moment, but I will add content based on what people post they would like to see. Within reason.

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The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about +