January 21, 2018
The Daily Me - Insidious Cleavage IV: The Return of the Push Up Bra
Thank you, Insidious Cleavage IV: The Return of the Push Up Bra, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we picked up a copy of Fire and Fury because everybody was talking about it, and a pile of them were just sitting in the bookstore. The image of World War II planes dropping bombs seemed to be an appropriate metaphor for the Trump presidency. About 50 pages into the book, we thought the author was taking the metaphor a bit too far. After 100 pages, we began to wonder when Donald Trump would make an appearance. Or, Steve Bannon. Or, anybody who wasn't Winston Churchill, really.
Then, it was pointed out to us that the Fire and Fury we had purchased had been written by Randall Hansen. The Fire and Fury book we thought we were buying had been written by Michael Wolff. That Hansen guy had some nerve publishing a book about WWII ten years before a book with the same title that we had been so looking forward to skimming through for the juicy bits came out!
We hate being on waiting lists.
The Daily Me Staff
Even If Your Species Is Headed In That Direction
Are you a female green sea turtle who is having trouble finding a mate? It's not your fault: the sex of green sea turtles is determined by the temperature outside their eggs during development, and global climate change has meant that almost all of the eggs that have been hatching recently are female. But, fault schmault! Ecological science isn't going to help you find a male turtle whose eyes you can gaze into longingly, who you can share long swims near the beach with, who will write embarrassingly bad love poetry that you will nonetheless claim to adore. But, if ecoscience can't help you, who will?
We're Come Out of Your Shell, a dating service specifically for lovelorn reptiles. We will scour sand bars far and wide for male members of your species, then offer to hook you up with the most likely matches. If you go for our deluxe package, we will arrange an algae-filled dinner under the stars to set the mood.
Come out of Your Shell - let us prove to you that love is not extinct!
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
You Can't Argue With Illogic Like That Racism Edition
Quebec's two opposition parties are against a Liberal motion to commemorate the murder of 14 women at Montreal's Ecole Polytechnique by an anti-feminist crazoid.
The Parti Quebecois argues that the term "anti-feminist" is too controversial, that it could be seen to denote the views not only of men who hate women, but also well-intentioned men who believe that the women's movement has gone too far. And, anyway, there are laws against prejudice, so why should the mistreatment of women be singled out?
Meanwhile, the Coalition Avenir Quebec (CAQ) insists that commemorating the murders of the woman would only politicize the event. And, that's not good because...reasons. And, anyway, girls are smelly poopyheads who don't deserve to get their own day.
SOURCE: The Irrational
You Think Richard Dawson Would Be Willing To Host Family Feud - Nuclear Edition?
Michael Wolff's gossipy takedown of the Trump administration Fire and Fury has been selling out across the country, including in Republican strongholds. Why would Trump voters want a book that makes their President's administration look so dysfunctional?
"It's just like my family," explained Make America Greater Againer Solstice Alimentarian. "I mean, dad's best friend Steve was always around, telling everybody we were doing everything wrong and insulting our intelligence. Everybody knows my sister Ivy and her husband Gerald couldn't stand Steve, but our dad just smiled indulgently and told us all to work it out among ourselves. Until he joined in the shouting, I mean. Meanwhile, my brother Derek is being investigated by the local cops for having illegal business dealings with foreign companies and our Mom, Melanie, won't say anything, but you know she hates the whole circus and is just waiting for her chance to leave.
"I tell you," Alimentarian concluded, "if we had nukes, we'd be just like the First Family!"
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
Supporters Acknowledge The Difficulty Of Getting Convictions, Suggest The Burden Of Proof Is Too High
Canadian Legal Community Coughs Up A Furball
Almost two thirds of Canadians want the government to lay criminals charges against individuals suspected of being involved with jihadi groups overseas rather than focusing on rehabilitating them when they return according to a new poll.
Reasons for the position included:
- "They're scummy people."
- "The government should support making prisons a growth industry."
- "They're really scummy people."
- "Canada is a Christian nation, and Christ never said a word about rehabilitation. Never. Look it up. You know it's true!"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
Culinary Fight Tasteless
An English chef wrote on Farcebook that a "pious, judgmental vegan (who I spent all day cooking for) has gone to bed, still believing she's a vegan." You don't have to have sworn off all animal products to believe that the implication that the chef added meat to the vegan's meal was wrong.
In retaliation, the Vegan Liberation Front snuck into the restaurant and replaced all of its cheeses and milks with soy-based cheeses and milks, and its fowl with tofurkeys. Video of the organization's raid ended with the raiders letting the rescued food back out into the wild.
If this conflict escalates, it could get ugly.
SOURCE: Ukrainian Foodies
Somebody Make This Kid Prime Minister!
"Why not just make the minimum wage $1,000,000. Then everyone could be rich. All problems solved. Hmmmmmmmmmm....."
- economics student Ben Harper, son of former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
Their Shareholders, On The Other Hand, Will Never Forget
Pfizer, the second largest American drug company by sales volume, has announced that it will be ending research into Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. This despite the fact that tax cuts recently passed by the Republican Congress could benefit the company by as much as $5 billion. Is the company worried about the optics of this?
"Absolutely not," said Pfizer spokesmonster Alfonso Mersinaryous. "In six months time, the people who are the most affected will likely not remember what we've been doing!"
SOURCE: High Times and Misdemeanors