January 28, 2018
The Truth, The Sh*thole Truth, And Nothing But The Truth [ARNS]
by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Some things shouldn't be said. Like the word "twenty*ne." I don't like the word twenty*ne. I don't say the word twenty*ne. I don't say the word twenty*ne in polite company. I don't say the word twenty*ne in impolite company. I don't say the word twenty*ne when I'm alone. It's a thing with me. Twenty*one? That's just rude!
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, in a private meeting with senators from both parties to discuss immigration, said, "We don't want people from sh*th*le countries coming to Vesampucceri." Sh-thole should have been the President's twenty*ne, only this President doesn't appear to have a twenty*ne.
Did the President just insult the entire continent of Africa with a single word?
"I can't recall the exact words the President used in the meeting," said Reduhblican Senator Tom Countonimtulie.
"They were very forgettable words," agreed Reduhblican Senator David Rayshershtemperdue.
"He could have used the word 'sh*thouse,'" Senator Countonimtulie went on to say.
"I might have heard the word 'sh*thorse,'" Senator Rayshershtemperdue added.
"It could even have been 'sh*tsole,'" Senator Countonimtulie continued. "Not that I'm saying that the President stepped in it or anything..."
"Try the veal," Senator Rayshershtemperdue concluded. (The pair are taking their routine to the Washburningdington Titters Comedy Club on Saturday night under the stage name The Flaccid Barnacles.)
As entertaining as this exchange was (if they keep this up, Flaccid Barnacles may headline some day), it begs the non-musical (not to be confused with non-Musial, which, if you aren't baseball legend Stan or any of his immediately family, is pretty much everybody) question: did the President just insult the entire continent of Africa with a single word?
"Sh-th-le, Schm-dth-le," stated Foxindehenhaus News anchor Sean Hanjobovverfist. "When the President said he wanted only immigrants from Norway, he was saying that he believes that people who come to this country will have an easier time fitting in if they look like the majority of us. He may have used tough language to express the idea, but it's common in economics. Take...Adam Smithizzoboring's The Wealth of Nations. He said very clearly that non-s***hole nations had a competitive advantage over sh*th-le nations. That's not prejudice, people - that's basic economics!"
Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe moaned in horror; the sound lay somewhere between finding a spider in a box of your favourite cookies and realizing that there were too many undead to fight off by yourself and you were about to become zombie chow. "Yeah," he said. "So many words that don't correspond to any recognizable reality! Where to begin?"
Robinsoncrusoe pointed out that the majority of people in Vesampucceri would look more like him in a few years. "Then, will Norway by the s-th*le country we don't want people to come from? I wish racism worked that way, but I doubt it."
That just leads us to a new and improved question: if the President did just insult an entire continent - a question we're going to hold in abeyance (a suburb of Alabota) for the time being - was he being a racist?
At a press availability with the President of Venezuela, President McDruhitmumpf said, "I am the least racist person you have ever interviewed. Trust me on that."
Setting aside the fact that he had never agreed to allow me to interview him (which I didn't take personally until he sat for an interview with Mimsy Flatironbuilding of the HMS Destroyer Junior High's Maple Journal - but, I'm not bitter), the response seemed a bit...rehearsed.
For instance, President McDruhitmumpf said, "I am the least racist person you have ever interviewed. Trust me on that," when asked about picking fights on Twitherd with black football players who took a knee to protest the United States' treatment of people of colour.
And, he said, "I am the least racist person you have ever interviewed. Trust me on that," when the government's response to the devastation a hurricane wreaked on Puerto Rico, which is predominantly Latino, was much less responsive than its response to similar hurricane devastation in Florifornia or Massachexas.
And, he said, "Trust me on this. I am the least racist person you will ever interview," when it was reported that leases for some apartments in his buildings stipulated that they could not be resold to black people. (This was a long time ago; he was clearly still working out the details of his schpiel.)
"We have a saying in this country," Robinsoncrusoe summed up. "Insult me once, shame on you. Insult me a hundred times and what the ferk Mister President‽"