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Chapter 53
January 28, 2018

The Daily Me Insidious Cleavage V: The Next Generation

Thank you, Insidious Cleavage V: The Next Generation, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we got our hot little hands (relax! It's just a turn of phrase actually, our hands are huge) on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment. You know, the test President Trump aced? The one he claimed proved that he was the smartest President ever in the history of the universe? Yeah, that test. We thought, If this President can do well on the test, anybody can.

We got 23 out of 30.

To be fair, we haven't seen a timepiece with hands in ages don't they know in Montreal that everything is digital, now? so we didn't know about the whole "big hand/little hand" dichotomy. And, who would have guessed that we would fail the part of the test where you were asked to come up with at least 11 words starting with "F" in one minute? The testers rejected our first F word because it was rude we were so mad that we repeated it 10 more times with the same result.

The quiz actually tests the humour of the doctors who administer it, if you ask us.

The Daily Me Staff

People Who Had Thought They Had Seen Everything Have To Reassess That Belief On An Almost Daily Basis

So. The government has been shut down. Let the blame game begin.

Democrats argue that President Trump is to blame for telling them that he would sign a deal on the Dreamers, even if it meant taking heat from both sides of the aisle, then blowing up a bipartisan deal that was placed in front of him. Republicans argue that Democrats are to blame for believing President Trump when he said he would sign a deal even if it meant taking heat from both sides of the aisle.

"In his first year in office," Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell pointed out, "President Trump has lied over 1,000 times. If the Democrats believed what he said about the Dreamers, they deserve all the blame they get!"

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer blinked a couple of times and responded, "I ahh well, that's a new one!"

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer


Greenpeace Representatives Were "Too Ooged Out" To Comment

A Nova Scotia craft brewer has added lobster to its beer. Not extract of lobster. Not essence of lobster. Whole lobsters are added to the beer mash so that the flavour gets into the malt from which the beer is made.

"Yay, blobsters!" said Mike Floopco, a regular at Denny's Downtrodden, a pub in Mahone Bay. "I mean, beer." Twenty seconds later, Floopco elaborated, "Globster beer! Great idea! I stopped tasting the alcohol seven beers ago, but...but...but...but...beeeeeeer."

His grin was infectious. Then, his head hit the table and Floopco started to emit a sound like a car engine eternally stripping its gears. I hope it was a snore...

SOURCE: Ukrainian Foodies


Violets Are Blue And Roses Are Red And I Don't Believe A Word You Said
Somebody Get Hallmark On The Line!

You know, when you leave a country after a state visit, there are a number of ways to show your appreciation for the hospitality of its citizens. You could send a gift basket. A card is always nice, maybe with some flowers and cheesy sentiments. In rhyme. If you're especially grateful, you can always invite that country's leader to visit your home.

It's probably not a good idea to accuse victims of sexual assault by one of your emissaries to the country of slandering another one of your emissaries to the country by insisting that he ignored the abuse. Saying that you'll only believe them when they offer incontrovertible proof of his involvement doesn't help.

"Yeah, the Pope should probably have sent Chile a bottle of wine," said Cardinal Sean O'Malley, the archbishop of Boston and head of the Catholic Church's committee for the protection of minors, which was not renewed last month when its three year mandate ended. "It probably would have travelled better than the Pope did!"

SOURCE: Condor-Nasty Goer


You Can't Be Number One In The Middle

An ice sculpture in front of the Kit Kat on King Street is shaped like a middle finger being raised to passersby. But, the owner of the restaurant insists it isn't a statement about how he has lost business since the city turned King into a streetcars only thoroughfare.

"The ice sculpture illustrates our belief that Toronto is the best city in the world to live in," said Al Carbone. "Can I help it if I get confused about which finger indicates we're number one?"



Where Do The Others Who Come From Other Countries Fit Into This Scenario?

Now, that's refreshing! An American evangelical preacher who recognizes the separation of Church and State and does not demand that the President ignore secular law and be governed by religious law. Oh, wait. Did I say "refreshing?" I meant "hypocritical as Hell."

The line between the two would make a razor that thought it was thin weep from inadequacy.

Pastor Robert Jeffress would likely have been part of the chorus of evangelicals who condemned President Bill Clinton's extramarital affairs as degrading the office of the President. What about Donald Trump's cavortings with porn stars? As long as he's anti-abortion, Jeffress gives Trump's performance a four crosses review.

At least Pastor Jefress is consistent. In his inconsistency.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism


I Definitely Want My Facebook Feed To Be Determined By Sad, Mad And Dangerous To Know Puppies

Facebook has announced that it will prioritize "trustworthy" news in its feed of social media posts. How will it determine trustworthiness? It will survey its members.

Has Mark Zuckerberg never met the Internet?

SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report


They're As Cold As ICE

US Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers raided around 100 7-Eleven stores across the nation yesterday.

"This was not part of a heartless crackdown on vulnerable people in the country intended to terrorize companies who hire illegals into compliance," insisted Derek Benner. "It was a simple case of 647 of our agents getting thirsty at the same time and, well, as long as they were there, they may as well do a little investigating. Gotta show taxpayers we're doing our jobs, amirite?"

SOURCE: The Postington Wash


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