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Chapter 54
February 4, 2018

The Daily Me - Brett Anne Butler

Thank you, Brett Anne Butler, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard of the trailer full of beer that had been stolen in British Columbia, 2,600 cases of the stuff. So, naturally, we got out our calculators - taking into account the number of bottles in the heist, the driving song that used to get us from Toronto to Guelph would now get us as far as Moncton!

Does anybody know how can we submit a script to CSI: Calgary?

The Daily Me Staff

Beauty Is In The Syringe Of The Beholder

And, you thought doping at the Olympics was a scandal!

The King Abdulaziz Camel Festival, a beauty contest for the beasts held in Saudi Arabia, was temporarily halted because the head of one of the contestants exploded. The owner of the camel had been using Botox to plump up its lips and biggen its nose to make it more attractive to the judges (who are chosen by playing "scissors-paper-noose"); unfortunately, he was not trained in the use of the drug, and gave the animal 23 times the recommended dosage.

At least 11 other camels were disqualified from the competition on suspicion of using beauty enhancing drugs; the fact that their heads were almost as big as their bodies was a clue that something was wrong with them. Terribly, terribly wrong.

"What, this?" scoffed organizer Tariq Al Pezdispence. "It is nothing. Please - 12 camels out of 30,000 entrants? It is but a mere rounding error!

SOURCE: The Baghdad Post


Reprehensible: (Adj) The State Of Repossessing Hensibles

2 crazy 4 words) According to that well known voice of reason Sebastien Gorka, "This man is reprehensible." To whom was the former White House something or other referring, and for what reason? a) Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin
b) Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte
c) Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

i) his bloodthirsty war on drugs...and street crime...and people he doesn't like, makes other world leaders (one in particular, who shall remain nameless) look weak by comparison
ii) he bares his chest whenever a photo opportunity presents itself, making other male world leaders (one in particular, who shall remain nameless) look inadequate by comparison
iii) he refuses to force women to wear a scarlet A in public if they have had an abortion

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles


It Could Have Been Worse: You Could Have Been Paired With Duschamp's Fountain

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I tried Google's Arts and Culture app, which uses facial recognition software to match a photo of you with a renowned portrait hanging in a museum or art gallery anywhere in the world. I thought I might be matched with da Vinci's Mona Lisa, so cool and enigmatic. I would have accepted being paired with Grant Wood's American Gothic, severe but with an iconic beauty of its own. Unfortunately, things didn't work out that way.

The first half dozen selfies I submitted to the app were paired with Edward Munch's The Scream. Blah. That wasn't right. I know I've never been able to get that new millennium in the headlights look out of my eyes, but my hands weren't in any of the photos! Out of desperation, I used a blurry photo of myself; the image that came back was Picasso's Weeping Woman.

The app needs work.

SOURCE: Art Splorts


She Leitched All The Fun Out Of National Politics

Conservative member of Parliament Kellie Leitch has announced that she will not be running for reelection in 2019. During the 2017 Conservative election leadership race, the one time cabinet minister argued that immigrants to the country should be screened for "Canadian values."

The fact that Leitch is quitting politics is actually a pretty good indication of Canadian values.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle


Somebody Doesn't Seem To Know The Difference Between A Cross To Bear And One To Be Nailed To

Christian groups are outraged at the Liberal government's decision to stop funding summer intern programmes that allow them to pay young protesters to picket abortion clinics. "Throwing blood and shouting obscenities at frightened young women who are forced to make a terrible choice in the lives is the duty of all good Christian souls. It's right there in the Bible, people - you just need to know how to read it properly!" claimed Father Dominick Purecell of the Church of the Holy Rolling Extremis. "The government not giving us money to do this is nothing less than religious persecution!"

Isn't the Church's refusal to hire LGBTQ2 people itself a form of persecution? "Don't be ridiculous!" Father Purecell roared. "Hating fags isn't persecution - it's God's will!"

SOURCE: Unicycle


Where Is The Minute Of Silence For Rational Political Discourse?

Months after a mass shooting that left 58 people dead and hundreds wounded, the National Shooting Sport's Foundation's SHOT Show, the largest gun industry convention in America, will take place in Las Vegas within short sight lines from the massacre.

"We're not monsters," insisted NSSF President Steve Sanetti. "We will be observing a minute of silence for Slide Fire, the leading manufacturer of bump stocks that was unfairly targeted after the...incident. So many victims. So sad."

SOURCE: Deadline News Network


I'll Never Forge -
Ooh, Is That A Video Of A Cat Playing With A Light Sabre? Sooooo Cute!
Sorry - What Were We Talking About, Again?

Drug giant Pfizer has announced that it plans to stop doing research into a cure for Alzheimer's disease. When asked why, a spokesperson for the company said, "Forget about it."

And, the sad truth is that, given enough time, we probably will.

SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live!


They'll Just Keep The Leaflets For The Unhappy Occasion, Then

A gay couple who thought they were receiving programmes for the ceremony a day before they were wed were shocked to discover that what had been delivered to them was a box full of religious leaflets. Instead of reading "Welcome to Andrew and Stephen's wedding," they read such pleasantries as "The supreme tempter is Satan, who uses our weaknesses to lead us into sin."

"This was wholly inappropriate!" complained Andrew Borg, one of the grooms. "We're not planning on getting divorced for at least five years!"

SOURCE: Yellow Triangle Blues


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