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Chapter 55
February 11, 2018

The Daily Me - Jeremiah Le Bullfrog

Thank you, Jeremiah Le Bullfrog, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, Elon Musk's The Boring Company started selling flamethrowers over the Internet. Because, you know, protection against a zombie apocalypse? Musk clearly hasn't thought this through, or the tech maven would have realized that the flamethrowers could be used against rogue AIs just as effectively. Oh, sure, The Boring Company has only sold 15,000 of the things, but if Musk had seen any flavour of apocalypse movie, he would know that all it takes is a small but hardy band of rebels to beat back the zombie/AI/alien hordes and restore human dominance. Take that, Alexa!

The Daily Me Staff

E Plurubus Unium

The President's State of the Unium Address boiled down to its basics:

"I'm great. I'm awesome. Look at how awesome I am. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Democrats should get with the programme and work with me. Because I'm awesome. Immigrants are gang-banging criminals. Immigrants are bad. Gang-bangers. All of them. Every single one. Bad immigrants! Bad! I know, because I'm awesome. God bless America."

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies


Selling Out The Country For A Song

Trump Won't Do That

And Trump would do anything for a bill
He'd run right up the Hill and back
He would do anything for a bill
He'd lie to Congress and that's a fact

But he'll never forget the art of the deal nohow
Oh yes
Pay to play
And he would do anything for a bill
But he won't do that,
No he won't do -

Anything for bill
Oh he would do anything for a bill
He would do anything for a bill
But he won't do that
No he won't do that

And some days the laws come easy
And some days the laws come hard
Some days laws don't come at all
And these are the days bad press won't end

And some nights he's tweeting fire
And some nights he pretends to be nice
Some nights he's like nothing the country's
Seen before, or will again

And maybe the world's gone crazy
Oh it's crazy and life is grim
He can make America great again
No one can make America great again like him

As long as he controls the Senate
As long the House comes with it
As long as no branch is blue -
You better believe it!

That Trump would do anything for a bill!
There's nothing too outrageous to enact
And he would do anything for bill!
Even negotiate with Democrats

But he'll never forgive himself if he doesn't sign something

And Trump would do anything for a bill!
Oh he would do anything for a bill!
Oh he would do anything for a bill!
But he won't do that!
No he won't do that!

Will you talk racists up?
Will you help get taxes down?
Will you bring dysfunction back to this Godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less humane?

I can do that!
I can do that!

Will you hold money sacred
Will you kill voting rights
Will you attack black football players
I'm so sick of the war on whites!
Can you sing a racist dog whistle refrain

I can do that!
Oh, oh, I can do that!

After a while you'll forsake everything
Before you ran for President you weren't right-wing
You play everybody like a puppet on a string

I won't do that
I won't do that

We know the territory - we've heard your lies
Other than family, you have no real ties
Sooner or later, we'll be the ones you despise

I won't do that!
No I won't do that!

Anything for a bill
Oh he would do anything for a bill!
He would do anything for a bill!
But he won't do that!
No Trump won't do that...

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered


Comedians Talk About Audience Members Busting A Gut, But The Reality Is Just Gross

The Bank of Nova Scotia expects to generate $7 to $8 billion of excess capital by 2018, giving it the opportunity to increase dividends to shareholders or make acquisitions, according to its chief financial officer. Would it be willing to put some of that money towards better services for customers?

CFO Sean McGuckin laughed so hard that he had to be taken to the hospital for ruptures in his stomach.

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte


Great Big Nothinghburgers Offer Intellectual Empty Calories, But As Intellectual Empty Calories Go...

When he flashes that toothy grin, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan often looks like he's 12 years old. And, then, he starts talking, and you realize that your original impression was generous.

A memo that was written by revvin' Devin Nunes, the Chair of the House Intelligence Committee, who probably cribbed from notes given to his aides by the White House, a memo which the Democrats on the committee had no input on, and, indeed, didn't find out about until the debate about releasing it to the public became public, needs to be made public in the interests of transparency? If the current White House were any less transparent, Stephen Hawking would be studying radiation coming out of it!

Of course, in the interests of transparency, we can expect the Democratic memo that responds to this to be released by the committee any...millennium, now. It's funny, in a deplorable way, how selective transparency looks a lot like hiding shit. For instance, if the Republicans are really all about transparency, we'll soon be looking at President Trump's tax records, right? Any time, now. Any second...

Maybe time just works differently in the Basket of Deplorables than it does in the rest of the world...

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism


"Don't Put Us In An Invisible Box, Because We Have A Lot Of Experience Dealing With That!"

Members of an extreme right anti-Islam group in Quebec are having a meltdown after Prime Minister Justin Trudeau called them "bozos." But, that's nothing compared to the fuss the Union Démocratique des Bozos is making.

"We object in the strongest possible terms to any comparison between hard-working comedy professionals and hate-mongering bigots!" exclaimed Dominique de la Bozoid, President of the UDB. "If the Prime Minister doesn't take back his spurious...specious...speciesist statement immediately, we will haunt Parliament, using all the pies and seltzer bottles and slapsticks and rubber chickens at our dis...mmm...chicken...umm, excuse me a moment, will you?"

SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders


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