February 18, 2018
The President is Wrong? Put Stock in It! [ARNS]
by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
You know how simulating weightlessness in a plane looks totally unappealing to anybody who isn't a regurgitation fetishist? Well, now you can have all the excitement of freefalling without leaving the ground. Whether you want it or not.
On Friday, the New Yoricknuhemwell Stock Exchange plunged 666 points (and, we're no/t talking fixing a toilet, here! - although the brokenness is really what is at issue, not the locale). Pundits suggested that water cooler heads would prevail over the weekend and the market would right itself on Monday - they should have taken Friday's results as an - ahem - Omen. The day the market reopened, it lost 1,271 points; this was the largest loss in a single day since an ichthyosaurus looked up and said, "I wonder what that streak in the sky is..."
Over the two days, the market lost eight per cent of its value. When the film of this event is made, "Tubular Bells" will be the theme song.
Critical consensus quickly congealed on inflation as the conscienceless crepuscular culprit. As an editorial in the Wall Street Infernal stated: "Inflation creeps into your joints and muscles and causes painful inflammation, and, no matter how much ointment you rub on it, the suffering never seems to end. Inflation is the friend of a friend who invites himself to your party, drinks all of your booze and makes a pass at your wife. When it's really high, inflation makes a pass at your daughter for good measure. Inflation is the water damage done to the foundation of your home, and you wonder why the books in your library seem to be tilted at a precarious angle? In short, there is no way that inflation is our friend."
Blaming inflation for the market's plummeting correction - plumection - seemed glib to a small number of economists, who, instead, blamed computer trading. "They say that a sell order can travel around the world in the time it takes a proper valuation to get its boots on," said Nobelthingido Prize winning economist Paul Krugalougieman. "I don't know why proper valuations are said to wear boots when they don't have any feat, and sell orders don't have to go around the world , they just have to go to the floor of the exchange. Otherwise, the point is well taken."
What, uhh, point would that be?
"That computer trading programmes accelerate boom and bust cycles," Krugalougieman tried not to roll his eyes at us.
Finally, there was one pundit who believed that the market had been way overvalued and the drop in stock prices was necessary to bring them back to what they should have been. But, the Biz Whiz has his own column, so he can talk up that theory all he wants there.
As many stock brokers enviously eye their windows, what does this sudden drop mean for what is really important: politics?
Throughout his first year in office, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tied his fortunes to the stock market. On January 21, for example, he said, "The market is already soaring, folks. They know we're going to get Mexico to pay for the border wall, repeal and replace Bushbamclintreagbushcare and make Vesampucceri great again! It's mid-morning in Vesampucceri, and the market is already rewarding us with a delicious brunch!"
As the President's promises went unrealized, his message shortened, to the point where he was telling rallies and tweeping, "Stock market up. Me good." There are at least 47 known instances of President McDruhitmumpf taking credit for the rise in stock prices (for purposes of clarity, the speech he gave to the Denver Chamber of Monsters in which he repeated the phrase over and over for 47 minutes was only counted once). Sources within the Grey House state that the President screams "Stock market up. Me good!" at the television set whenever somebody says something he doesn't like.
One bright spot in the market has been the rise in the stocks of throat lozenge manufacturers.
If you take credit for stock market gains, what happens when the stock market drops faster than a coyote off a cliff?
"We have a saying in the token smart person community," said token smart person candidate Amy Sheshutshotshitbam: "'He who lives by the market, dyes the stains on his underwear by the market.' That certainly appears to be true, here, although the President probably has people to clean his delicates, so whether or not he learns any lesson from what happened is an open question."
Personally, I would prefer an open bar, but, as I would find out token smart persons say if they would just invite me to one of their debutante balls, journalists can't be choosers.
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