Les Pages aux Folles
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Chapter 1
Act One
The Daily Me - Nicholas Negroponte
All hail Nicholas Negroponte, whose brilliance foresaw the daily me (bandwidth limitations meant it was all in lower case back in those days) years before it came to be. We don't need to tell you how it works - you wrote the book, man!
We gave computing your Daily Me precedence over all the other plebes: Bill Gates, George Bush, Spongebob Squarepants - they had to wait while we calculated the articles that would most interest you. (Okay, we snuck some cycles in for Spongebob - hey! - we can be fans of more than one person, right? Right?) True, it took us three months to put together this issue of The Daily Me, but, we humbly submit that it lives up to the standards you set so many, many years ago.
Please like it.
Adoringly,The Daily Me staff (and Geraldine, your biggest fan)
An American researcher has claimed to have found the lost city of Atlantis off the island of Cyprus. The Bush administration immediately placed Atlantis on its "Axis of Submerged Evil" and warned it to give up its weapons programmes or be condemned as a rogue state that supported terrorism. When it was suggested that the administration would be wise to wait to see if anybody actually lived there, President Bush remarked, "Better to take preemptive activities than to...to...to be faced with a mushroom in a - err - an American omelet."
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Force Them To Play Video Games All Day And Eat Fast Food And Your Mission Will Be Complete
The principal of a school in California has suspended an 11 year-old student for doing cartwheels in the schoolyard. And people wonder why American children are so obese?
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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No Comparison To Vietnam Here, Boy. Nope. Un uh. No Way.
An investigation has been started into an incident in which an American marine in Fallujah shot and killed a wounded and apparently unarmed prisoner in a mosque. Apparently, this is how the Americans plan on capturing the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people: by ripping the organs out of their lifeless bodies.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49667-2004Nov12.html]
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Brush With Greatness, Broil For 20 Minutes
"Oh, my god!" I shrieked. "Nigella Lawson is signing autographs!"
"Who is Nigella Lawson?" The Boy asked.
"Well, uhh, ahh, she's written some books, hasn't she?" I told him.
"Good guess," he groused, "considering this is a book store," and went back to reading the latest issue of Maxim.
Oh, my god, it's Nigella Lawson! Well, her shoulder, there, in the background. See it? It's a strong shoulder - that shoulder was definitely made for television.
Helpful, as always, The Boy. I walked down the line of people that snaked past the 40 to 80 per cent off tables, through the business section and up to...cooking? Oh. She's a chef. Okay. I eat. I picked up one of her books and looked at the author bio.
"Oh, my god!" I shrieked. "Nigella Lawson is on TV!"
The Boy looked up from his magazine, a sure sign that he was intensely interested. "Oh?" he asked. Some people have trouble expressing their deep admiration for celebrities. Fortunately, I'm not one of them.
"Quick," I ordered him, "grab one of her books - I want an autograph."
Here, this is better. Not only do you see Nigella's arm, but you get a good look at her hair. Isn't she gorgeous?
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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According to Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe, a separate Quebec could enter into a trade deal with the rest of Canada, the United States and Mexico, and adopt the American dollar. The fact that the American dollar is currently dropping against all currencies except the zloty hasn't seemed to factor into his thinking. This is just the sort of astute political calculation that has made sovereignty such a rousing success with most people in the province.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&tacid=1028592831713
&call_pageid=965335678498&col=966666672154]
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It Could Team Up With The Weight Renee Zellwegger Lost After Bridget Jones - They Would Take Broadway By Storm
Much has been made of the 63 pounds lost by actor Christian Bale for his role in the film The Machinist. And, rightly so: that's practically a Kate Moss. There is no truth to the rumour that the weight Bale lost is planning on a modeling career, although several agencies have reportedly been calling it with offers.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smg2004/2004/11/13/balesbails/]
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Sometimes, See, You Have To Destroy The Train To Save The Train
Yes, it's true that the United States is asking Canada to put money into a runaway train whose braking system has failed every test it has been put through. And, yes, it's also true that this could lead to the "trainization" of space and the destabilization of international treaties limiting train speeds, which could cause currently trainless nations to speed up their train research and development programmes lest they be caught flat-footed by the American initiative.
Despite all of this, Canada should support the American runaway train initiative. If we do, we may be able to convince the United States to slow down the train so it won't make quite as much of a mess when it hits the wall.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/
RTGAM.20041120.trained1120_@/BNStory/trainsellouteditorial/]
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At Least He's Qualified To Be A Greeter At Wal-Mart
American Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. About the resignation, President Bush graciously said, "Are we in control of Fallujah, yet?" Powell's immediate plans are to go to the bank in upstate New York where he stored his integrity and get reacquainted. "I'm sure it's a little frayed around the edges," Powell commented, "but that can be repaired."
For 2008? Don't count on it, Colin.
Powell will be replaced by Condoleezza Rice, the only black woman in America who looks like Alfred E Neuman. Her main qualifications to be Secretary of State are an undying, unquestioning, some might say unnatural devotion to the President and good hair - she's a natural.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2004/11/11/anotherbushpoweller041111]
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Ontario has moved to drop the police practice known as "Option 5" from speeding tickets. Option 5 allowed drivers to avoid paying fines and having a blemish on their records in exchange for oral sex in the back of a police cruiser. "Unsafe drivers should not be allowed to circumvent the laws of the province," Community Safety Minister Monte Kwinter stated. Police unions are expected to fight the ban, as are prostitutes, who were grateful for the respite.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Give Til It Hurts...Then, Stop...
How would you expect corporate Canada to respond to the fact that only three per cent of the revenues of the country's charities and non-profit organizations come from business? By lowering what everyone else gives, of course. The programme includes everything from ad campaigns to make charitable donations unfashionable to stealing pennies from church donation boxes. "With a concerted effort," one executive, who refused to be named for what should be obvious reasons, said, "we can bring the percentage of donations corporate Canada gives to charity up to unheard of levels!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddconn7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2be4cc8a528]
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The Central Intelligence Agency is being purged of people who question the intelligence needed to pursue President George Bush's foreign policy. "It's not, like, a Stalin thing," the President explained, "more of a...a bulimic thing." Oookay. But, when did the Bush administration go through the intellectual binging stage?
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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Merry Christmas!
And, I'm secure enough in my Jewishosity that I can say that! To celebrate Christmas with you, as well as a belated Hanukkah and whatever other celebrations occur around this time of year, I have put together the first collection of Delicate Negotiations cartoons! It is called Round One: The Quiet Melancholy. Look for it in the archive, or, as we say in my country, Chrissifus explatore blech!
Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!
If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be in the Archive Section, as well as three new Alternate Reality News Stories every third week in the New Section. They are clearly marked [ARNS] for easy identification. And, please feel to browse through the other writing, cartoons and miscellaneous oddments - you never know what you might enjoy!
Les Pages aux Folles is now out of diapers and in your face! That's right: as of this week, the little Web site that knew better but went there anyway is seven years old! To celebrate, I have posted something completely unrelated to the main purpose of LPAF: the first section (eight chapters in all) of a Dr. Who novel I wrote a couple of summers ago called The Laughing Elders If you are a fan of the show, or if you'd like to know what I do when I'm not doing...this, be sure to check it out!
If You Buy My New New Book, I Promise To, Like, Be Your Friend Forever!
You say you've hated trees since the flying squirrel incident when you were four years old? That, as far as you're concerned, the only good tree is a dead tree? Well, I can go you one better, because you can now buy another volume of Les Pages aux Folles, Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be on dead trees desecrated with black ink all over them! This time, you even have the choice of hardcover and paperback flavours! If this offer has gotten you excited, clean yourself off with a tissue and go to the Store/Books page for links to where you can take me up on it. Les Pages aux Folles in print: because if you don't buy a copy, those bastard flying squirrels will have won!
Would you be interested in immortality?
As you may have noticed, there is a weekly feature on Les Pages aux Folles called The Daily Me. Each article in this feature is a collection of bits and pieces of interest to a different person. I probably won't be shocking any of my readers when I say that, to date, I have made the persons up. (If you are shocked, I hear the Girls With Eyepatches site is nice this time of year...) Well, a future Daily Me could feature...you!
Simply send me an email with your name and the names of three or four publications you regularly read and three or four issues/subjects in which you have an interest. Then, let me digest them and, two or three weeks later, The Daily Me could be The Daily You! Your name will appear in my writing...forever! No complicated creams! No messy cryogenic devices! Immortality has never been easier! What are you waiting for?