Chapter 1
Act One

The Daily Me - Nicholas Negroponte

All hail Nicholas Negroponte, whose brilliance foresaw the daily me (bandwidth limitations meant it was all in lower case back in those days) years before it came to be. We don't need to tell you how it works - you wrote the book, man!

We gave computing your Daily Me precedence over all the other plebes: Bill Gates, George Bush, Spongebob Squarepants - they had to wait while we calculated the articles that would most interest you. (Okay, we snuck some cycles in for Spongebob - hey! - we can be fans of more than one person, right? Right?) True, it took us three months to put together this issue of The Daily Me, but, we humbly submit that it lives up to the standards you set so many, many years ago.

Please like it.

Apparently Not A Fungi

An American researcher has claimed to have found the lost city of Atlantis off the island of Cyprus. The Bush administration immediately placed Atlantis on its "Axis of Submerged Evil" and warned it to give up its weapons programmes or be condemned as a rogue state that supported terrorism. When it was suggested that the administration would be wise to wait to see if anybody actually lived there, President Bush remarked, "Better to take preemptive activities than to...to...to be faced with a mushroom in a - err - an American omelet."

SOURCE: Disassociated Press

[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Force Them To Play Video Games All Day And Eat Fast Food And Your Mission Will Be Complete

The principal of a school in California has suspended an 11 year-old student for doing cartwheels in the schoolyard. And people wonder why American children are so obese?

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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No Comparison To Vietnam Here, Boy. Nope. Un uh. No Way.

An investigation has been started into an incident in which an American marine in Fallujah shot and killed a wounded and apparently unarmed prisoner in a mosque. Apparently, this is how the Americans plan on capturing the hearts and minds of the Iraqi people: by ripping the organs out of their lifeless bodies.

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49667-2004Nov12.html]
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Brush With Greatness, Broil For 20 Minutes

"Oh, my god!" I shrieked. "Nigella Lawson is signing autographs!"

"Who is Nigella Lawson?" The Boy asked.

"Well, uhh, ahh, she's written some books, hasn't she?" I told him.

"Good guess," he groused, "considering this is a book store," and went back to reading the latest issue of Maxim.

Oh, my god, it's Nigella Lawson! Well, her shoulder, there, in the background. See it? It's a strong shoulder - that shoulder was definitely made for television.

Helpful, as always, The Boy. I walked down the line of people that snaked past the 40 to 80 per cent off tables, through the business section and up to...cooking? Oh. She's a chef. Okay. I eat. I picked up one of her books and looked at the author bio.

"Oh, my god!" I shrieked. "Nigella Lawson is on TV!"

The Boy looked up from his magazine, a sure sign that he was intensely interested. "Oh?" he asked. Some people have trouble expressing their deep admiration for celebrities. Fortunately, I'm not one of them.

"Quick," I ordered him, "grab one of her books - I want an autograph."

Here, this is better. Not only do you see Nigella's arm, but you get a good look at her hair. Isn't she gorgeous?

SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts

[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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Pity The Poor Zloty

According to Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe, a separate Quebec could enter into a trade deal with the rest of Canada, the United States and Mexico, and adopt the American dollar. The fact that the American dollar is currently dropping against all currencies except the zloty hasn't seemed to factor into his thinking. This is just the sort of astute political calculation that has made sovereignty such a rousing success with most people in the province.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&tacid=1028592831713
&call_pageid=965335678498&col=966666672154]
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It Could Team Up With The Weight Renee Zellwegger Lost After Bridget Jones - They Would Take Broadway By Storm

Much has been made of the 63 pounds lost by actor Christian Bale for his role in the film The Machinist. And, rightly so: that's practically a Kate Moss. There is no truth to the rumour that the weight Bale lost is planning on a modeling career, although several agencies have reportedly been calling it with offers.

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smg2004/2004/11/13/balesbails/]
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Sometimes, See, You Have To Destroy The Train To Save The Train

Yes, it's true that the United States is asking Canada to put money into a runaway train whose braking system has failed every test it has been put through. And, yes, it's also true that this could lead to the "trainization" of space and the destabilization of international treaties limiting train speeds, which could cause currently trainless nations to speed up their train research and development programmes lest they be caught flat-footed by the American initiative.

Despite all of this, Canada should support the American runaway train initiative. If we do, we may be able to convince the United States to slow down the train so it won't make quite as much of a mess when it hits the wall.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/
RTGAM.20041120.trained1120_@/BNStory/trainsellouteditorial/]
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At Least He's Qualified To Be A Greeter At Wal-Mart

American Secretary of State Colin Powell has resigned. About the resignation, President Bush graciously said, "Are we in control of Fallujah, yet?" Powell's immediate plans are to go to the bank in upstate New York where he stored his integrity and get reacquainted. "I'm sure it's a little frayed around the edges," Powell commented, "but that can be repaired."

For 2008? Don't count on it, Colin.

Powell will be replaced by Condoleezza Rice, the only black woman in America who looks like Alfred E Neuman. Her main qualifications to be Secretary of State are an undying, unquestioning, some might say unnatural devotion to the President and good hair - she's a natural.

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2004/11/11/anotherbushpoweller041111]
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Option Five From Outer Space

Ontario has moved to drop the police practice known as "Option 5" from speeding tickets. Option 5 allowed drivers to avoid paying fines and having a blemish on their records in exchange for oral sex in the back of a police cruiser. "Unsafe drivers should not be allowed to circumvent the laws of the province," Community Safety Minister Monte Kwinter stated. Police unions are expected to fight the ban, as are prostitutes, who were grateful for the respite.

SOURCE: aye Weakly

[http://www.aye.net/]
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Give Til It Hurts...Then, Stop...

How would you expect corporate Canada to respond to the fact that only three per cent of the revenues of the country's charities and non-profit organizations come from business? By lowering what everyone else gives, of course. The programme includes everything from ad campaigns to make charitable donations unfashionable to stealing pennies from church donation boxes. "With a concerted effort," one executive, who refused to be named for what should be obvious reasons, said, "we can bring the percentage of donations corporate Canada gives to charity up to unheard of levels!"

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddconn7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2be4cc8a528]
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Thin Intelligence?

The Central Intelligence Agency is being purged of people who question the intelligence needed to pursue President George Bush's foreign policy. "It's not, like, a Stalin thing," the President explained, "more of a...a bulimic thing." Oookay. But, when did the Bush administration go through the intellectual binging stage?

SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog

[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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