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Chapter 7
Alternate Arts and Culture

Confessions of a Pizza Delivery Guy

by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer

The first thing you notice about Jack McLondon is that he is actually rather handsome. Neat, respectful, attentive – he’s the kind of kid that any mother would want dating her daughter. You wouldn’t think to look at him that this pizza delivery guy from Winosha, Wisconsin was a virgin.

“I…I’m saving myself for the right woman,” McLondon, wearing a deer caught in headlights t-shirt under his deer caught in headlights expression, unconvincingly explains. “What’s wrong with that?”

A pizza delivery guy who has never had sex on the job? It’s like a cement contractor who has never hid a body in the foundations of a building that’s just going up. It’s like a dentist who has never tried his own laughing gas. It’s like a politician who has never – okay, that’s too easy.

It’s unnatural.

“But –” McLondon tries to interject before I cut him off to continue my exposition. The pizza delivery guy who knocks on the door which is answered by a sensuous young (and, sometimes, not so young) woman in a negligee who obviously wants more than pizza and is willing to give a generous tip to get it was a staple of porn movies in the 1970s.

Legend has it that early porn star John Holmes had a contract that stipulated that he do at least one pizza delivery sex scene in each of his movies. Ron Jeremy holds the record for most pizza delivery guy sex scenes (212), as well as most pizza delivery guy sex scenes in a single movie (7).

In fact, the pizza delivery sex scene was so popular that it was responsible for a whole generation of teenage boys taking up the career of pizza deliver guy.

“I had just got my licence and I was looking for a cool summer job,” reminisced former pizza delivery guy Salvatore Pflermigan. “That was also the year I snuck in to see Deep Stoat at the Jibou. It blew my mind. John Holmes gave an understated yet rich performance as the pizza delivery guy, and he made it with Lisa De Leeuw! Six times! In every room in her apartment!

“That’s when I knew what I wanted to do.”

“That’s funny, because I –” McLondon started. I silenced him with a look that could stop a rhino dead in its tracks. I wasn’t going to let some…some subject hijack my article!

Pflermigan explained that he had to wait until his third month of deliveries before he had sex with a client, but “the wait was worth it.” After that, work was a non-stop round of orgiastic behaviour – and he made enough money that summer to pay for his first week of college.

“I almost had sex once!” McLondon blurted. This got my attention, so I bade him continue.

“It was a couple of months ago – my last delivery of the night.” This was good – in the movies, it was always the last delivery of the night. “The woman who came to the door was wearing this pink…I think they’re called teddies…”

“With lace trim?” I penetratingly asked.

“Uhh, yeah,” McLondon replied. “Anyway –”

“Sheer?” I probed further.

“Sheerish,” McLondon said. “You could sort of see what was underneath, but not really that well…” After a moment of awkward silence, he continued: “Anyway, the woman said she didn’t have the money, and would I mind following her into her bedroom – that’s where she said her purse was – in her bedroom –”

“Yes, YES!” I breathily encouraged him. “Go on.”

“Her bedroom had this thick carpet and a bed shaped like a heart. It was really something, that bedroom.”

“Yes! Yes! And…?”

“And she paid me and I left.”

Guiseppe Sardonicus, shop steward of Local 14258 of the Amalgamated Truckers, Cement Pourers and Pizza Delivery Guys Union, couldn’t believe that such a thing was possible. “We busted our chops to make sure that time off for sexual relations with customers was part of the latest collective agreement! This guy who doesn’t take advantage – he’s spitting in the eye of every decent, hard-working, horny member of this union!”

McLondon began to protest that he was shy, but that excuse was so lame that I refused to dignify it with a quote.

He also said that he was hoping to get to second base with his current girlfriend, but since she lived outside his delivery area, pizza would not be involved.

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