But, Is It Good For The Jews?
by THOMAS FINFLANAHAGAN, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
President Gordon Perry Robertson made an unannounced visit to Congress to urge Senators to pass his bill legalizing the euthanasia of Jewish Americans. “This bill is vital to the future of America as a Christian nation,” the President passionately explained.
Operation Stairway to Heaven comes three years after the introduction of the President’s Aliyah Assistance Programme (AAP), which has been widely acknowledged to be a failure.
Both programmes arise out of the President’s literal belief in the Bible, specifically the book of Revelations, which states that the End Times will begin when all Jews are either living in the state of Israel or outside of it.
The Aliyah Assistance Programme was designed to encourage Jewish Americans to immigrate to Israel by essentially giving them two months to leave the United States. Those who didn’t go voluntarily faced deportation.
Although attached as a rider to a transportation bill (the most boring legislation imaginable, dealing, as it usually does, with building bridges and fixing potholes), AAP got immediate attention from the press, most of whom felt it didn’t go far enough, but some of whom considered the legislation an infringement on personal freedom. “Well, I suppose you may have a point, there,” the President chuckled, before sternly adding, “but I believe that the word of God takes precedence over the laws of men, so the Programme will commence. Sides, we’re doing our Jewish friends a favour by helping them – isn’t it every Jew’s dream to live in Israel?”
Apparently not. Many Jewish Americans caught up in AAP snuck their way back into the country. Others moved from Israel to friendly nations such as Canada, Britain and Burkina Faso. A few months ago, the Robertson government had to admit that, other than dispersing American entertainment and education superstars throughout the rest of the world, the Aliyah Assistance Programme was a dismal failure.
Out of the AAP’s ashes, the White House developed a more ambitious plan to euthanize all of the Jews living outside Israel. “If we reduce the number of Jews living outside Israel,” the President told Congress, “it achieves the same effect as moving them all into Israel.”
President Robertson added that this wouldn’t likely mean the euthanization of all Jews, since, once Operation Stairway to Heaven was started, surviving Jews would likely flock to Israel out of a sense of self-preservation. “I’m not a barbarian. I hope the migration to Israel would happen sooner rather than later,” the President explained. “However, that’s entirely up to the Jewish people.”
In his speech to Congress, the President called on all Christian nations to cooperate with Operation Stairway to Heaven. What about non-Christian nations? “Oh, most of them’ve been running their own Operation Stairway to Heaven for centuries without even knowing it,” President Robertson chuckled afresh.
There has been some speculation as to why the president is pushing Operation Stairway to Heaven at this time. With the upcoming mid-term elections, the policy seems aimed at solidifying the Republican base. Given the current polls, however, it seems likely that the Democrats will regain control over one and possibly both houses of Congress, which would make the president a lame duck who would be unlikely to be able to pass such legislation.
Thirty-seven term Democratic Senator Joseph Lieberman, speaking from the room in Mount Zion Hospital where his brain is preserved in a vat of fluid, responded, “The President made some valid points. I have some quibbles about how the plan is to be carried out, but I support the general thrust.”
Opponents of the President’s plan to have all Jews in the United States euthanized within five years fall into two broad camps. On the one hand, there are the people who think that five years is too long, and want to see the Jews gone within two years. “Why give them the opportunity to disappear into the countryside?” asks Republican House Majority Leader Finn McNasty. “Fire up the electric chairs – we got us some frying to do!”
On the other hand, some people feel that it is cruel to euthanize all Jews in the country in five years. “A ten year period would give them more time to settle their affairs and make peace with their maker,” stated Finn McNasty, head of the Democratic National Committee.
International response to Operation Stairway to Heaven has been muted, not surprising given that the United States has more nuclear weapons than everybody else in the world combined. Still, at the United Nations, Chinese Ambassador Tring Muk-Tao commented, “Historically, the United States has been in the forefront of the human rights movement. Tsk. Tsk tsk.”