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Chapter 5
Alternate Politics

How Robert Novak’s Eyebrows Saved America

by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer

If you think of Robert Novak at all, you probably think of him as a sycophantic supporter of the Republican Party, the sort of person who takes every opportunity to promote the Bush Doctrine (or, as I like to think of it, the Bush Half-baked World-view Hastily Sketched Out On A Cocktail Napkin). Truly, few people other than Rupert Murdoch have done as much to destroy the ideal of an impartial press than Robert Novak.

What you may not be aware of, however, is that Robert Novak’s eyebrows saved America.

You may recall the rumours of Robert Novak’s eyebrows having an affair with Salma Hayek’s eyebrows during the shooting of the film Frida. This sometimes overripe, overabundant coverage gave Robert Novak’s eyebrows a reputation for being the eyebrows of a playboy. However, this was all a front, a cover story concocted by their handlers that allowed Robert Novak’s eyebrows to do their real work outside the public – you should pardon the expression – eye.

Around that time, Robert Novak’s eyebrows, disguised as the eyebrows of a Greek sailor named Constantine Constantinopolous, set sail for London. It was a long, arduous trip, but it was only the beginning. From there, pretending to be the eyebrows of Israeli diamond swallower Uri Ismailovitz, Robert Novak’s eyebrows moved into the Middle East, where they unobtrusively slipped into Afghanistan in the dead of night.

At first, Robert Novak’s eyebrows laid low in the guise of the eyebrows of Mustapha Talabimbo, a wealthy cayenne importer/exporter with ties to the ruling Taliban, although with secret sympathies towards the west. As Robert Novak’s eyebrows became comfortable in their new station in life, they started collecting intelligence on the Taliban’s terrorist ties and intentions.

While his real eyebrows were insinuating themselves into a terrorist network, Robert Novak had to wear fake eyebrows. None of his fans appear to have ever noticed the deception. He also had to hire bodyguards, since his eyebrows were no longer available to protect him, but Robert Novak and his eyebrows had discussed this possibility and agreed that the good of the country came first, that in the war against America’s enemies, facial hair sacrifices had to be made.

Several months into their mission, Robert Novak’s eyebrows were able to turn the eyebrows of Hafez Maladwati, a senior officer in the Taliban high command. It was from Maladwati that Robert Novak’s eyebrows first learned about a plan by a then little known terrorist group called Al Qaeda to strike at Americans on US soil.

Robert Novak’s eyebrows risked having their cover blown to relay news of their discovery to the CIA. We can never know how frustrating it was for them that their warnings seemed to be buried in intelligence reports to the President, or, when a very clear statement of Al Qaeda’s intent was headlined in a For Your Eyebrows Only report that the President seemed to ignore.

When it became obvious that the government’s attention was elsewhere, apparently captured by Saddam Hussein’s mesmerizing eyebrows, Robert Novak’s eyebrows put together a crack military team and raided Al Qaeda’s stronghold in Afghanistan. To their horror, they uncovered plans to fly commercial airplanes into important American buildings, including the White House and the twin towers of the World Trade Centre.

Most of the ringleaders of that plan in the United States were captured, saving the country from a horrible fate. However, one or two Al Qaeda sympathizers must have escaped because Robert Novak’s eyebrows were pinned down by enemy fire as they were driving towards the airport to leave Afghanistan. Robert Novak’s eyebrows flung themselves out of his Aston Martin just as it burst into flames, but they were heavily singed. They were rushed to an army hospital, where they remain to this day.

You may remember, a couple of years later, when Robert Novak let slip the identity of covert CIA operative Valerie Plame Wilson. It seems likely that, had his eyebrows still been attached to his forehead, they would have prevented this highly questionable – not to mention completely illegal – gaffe. But, Novak himself is not the real hero of this story.

No Congressional Medal of Honour has ever been awarded to somebody’s eyebrows. Eyebrows don’t get fawning interviews or hagiographical specials on Fox News. Yet, it’s hard to imagine there was ever a more heroic, more deserving pair than Robert Novak’s eyebrows.

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