Chapter 5
Alternate Politics

Just Another Typical Wedgie Issue

by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer

You’re sitting in a subway, trying to avoid eye contact with the other passengers when this beautiful dark-haired woman sits opposite. She smiles warmly; there is an air of contented pleasure about her. She seems to know exactly what you’re thinking.

Is that a cellphone in her pocket, or is she just glad to see you?

Colorado Senator Harvard Yugen-Fruzje may not know you, but he’s betting that your presence in the subway is not what is giving the woman in our hypothetical opening paragraph scenario that warm glow. “Cellphones!” he snorts, setting aside the cocaine in his comfortably appointed office. “They’re the devil’s communications device!”

Senator Yugen-Fruzje argues that women were using the silent ring vibrating function of their cellphones to “pleasure themselves. Right there! In public! With god knows who watching!” So, the 16 time Republican Senator is sponsoring the uni-bi-partisan Senate bill HR 3261.

Bill HR 3261 makes it a crime for women to carry cellphones in their pants pockets. Critics of the bill point out that, as currently written, the bill does not make a distinction between where women carry cellphones in public and private. “What a woman does with a legally owned communications device behind closed doors,” stated American Civil Liberties Union lawyer Lucinda Veritas, “is not the business of the state!”

“Oh, everything is the business of the state!” Senator Yugen-Fruzje responded. “Do we want our children watching women pleasuring themselves in public places? The impressionable youngsters might get the idea that they can just willy-nilly do what they want! Don’t you see that this kind of permissiveness can only lead to the complete destruction of society as we know it?”

Sex columnist and cellphone sensuality advocate Josey Gloves couldn’t disagree with Senator Yugen-Fruzje more. “I couldn’t disagree with him mo – oh, you already have me saying that,” Gloves commented. “The good Senator – and I use the term loosely, not having ever slept with him – not that I find the prospect any less repellant than being pecked to death by feral minks, but – I’m digressing terribly, aren’t I? Let me start again…

“The…quality indeterminate Senator is part of the Puritanical strain in American politics that condemns all fun had by other people. I mean, just look at the Senator’s record. At one time or another, he has proposed bills banning: public swimming pools, dance clubs and the dismantling of our system of government in favour of anarcho-syndicalist local governing councils. Okay, maybe that last one would lead to the complete destruction of society as we know it. Otherwise, he’s just pandering to the Republican Party’s religious base.”

Senator Yugen-Fruzje retorted that Gloves had to defend the technology because she was making money off of it. Gloves runs a weekly seminar for women called “Getting Off By Getting On: How Connecting To The Info-Grid Can Help You Connect To Your Sexuality.” According to the seminar Web site, women can use their cellphones in a variety of ways to sexually satisfy themselves: using a vibrating Enya ringtone, for example, gives a slow building feeling of satisfaction, while those who prefer a quick hit might want to feel the vibrations from a Green Day ringtone.

“Technology is all about expanding the possibilities for female self-satisfaction,” the Web site claims.

“No, no, no, no, no!” Senator Yugen-Fruzje exclaimed, excitedly knocking the brandy snifter on his comfortably appointed desk halfway across the room. “People who get sexual satisfaction from the ringtone of an Enya song are sick! Twisted! Eeeeeeevil! And, we should, uhh, feel bad for them and maybe try to get them into a programme or something…”

“For many people, this is a – you should pardon the expression – hot button issue,” stated Nancy McRichie, famed sexologist and author of the New York Times bestselling book The 36 Hour Orgasm for Dummies. McRichie pointed out that, as with many such issues, the extent to which it is an issue is at issue.

“Is this actually a problem?” she rhetorically asked. “Are millions of women getting themselves off after they get on a bus or subway? For all we know, the act may be limited to one woman on the Podunk light rapid transit. Do we really want to base a federal law on the behaviour of one lonely woman in Podunk?”

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!” Senator Yugen-Fruzje eagerly retorted, dropping a vintage issue of Playtoy Magazine to the ground next to his comfortably appointed shoes. “This is a law that will play brilliantly in Podunk!”

Bill HR 3261 is expected to die when Congress adjourns for the fall mid-terms.

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