I Don’t Want To Be Part Of Your Revolution If I Can’t Dance Dance
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Doe-eyed Letitia Faroushnik, newly installed Prime Diva of Dance Dance Nation, formerly the United States of America, took to the airwaves last night to reassure the population that everything was under control.
“I’ve had long discussions with former President Lohan,” the Prime Diva told a national television audience, “and Lindsay and I agreed that this was for the best. In the meantime, Survivor: East Anglia will be on at its usual time.”
The handover of power was the culmination of six months of fighting in the discos, the clubs, the bars and pubs of the nation, fighting that inevitably spilled out onto the streets. This battle has been alternately termed “America’s Second Revolution” and “the logical result of the devolution of American politics to the level of entertainment.”
Three months ago, Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) Party troops, armed with nothing more than a smile on their lips and a song in their hearts, high stepped their way into radio and television stations in major urban areas throughout the country. According to long-legged Information Diva Roue Paul, taking control of the media was a necessary first step in ensuring the success of the revolution by “making the American public aware of our platform of fun and fabulousness.”
The revolution was mostly bloodless. The main exception was the Battle of the Bayonne Bistro, in which the air force was called in to obliterate a coffee shop that had been overrun by DDR forces. However, they also obliterated several city blocks in the process. “It looked like Baghdad,” Prima Diva Faroushnik pouted.
The ensuing international outcry convinced former President Lohan that this was a new form of warfare, one for which the United States, for all its military might, was ill-prepared, and that future engagements with the DDR would have to be conducted on their terms. Both Navy Seals and Green Berets were brought to Forts around the country to be given intense dance training. Unfortunately, the Dance Dance Revolutionaries were years ahead of the Armed Forces in dancefloor tactics, resulting in humiliating routs where the American servicemen were forced to buy DDR troops endless rounds of tequila shooters.
Hard as it may be to believe, battle-hardened Navy Seals were no match for 17 year-old girls who had trained in arcades (and, more recently, in their parents’ basement) throughout the country.
Although Prima Diva Faroushnik’s speech did seem to calm a jittery nation, it was short on specifics. Persistent rumours that the DDR government would place a tax on Bad Vibes, for example, have infuriated Republicans. Democrats, on the other hand, have expressed concern that the DDR plans on making Bjork the Diva of International Grooviness; they have never hidden the fact that they want Barbara Streisand for the position.
Not all politicians were against the DDR government, however. Soft spoken Senator Joseph Lieberman, for example, was cautiously optimistic that he could work with the new leaders. “As long as the Prima Diva continues the country’s support for the war in Iraq,” Lieberman said in a press conference, “I can support the government’s position on mandatory dance classes in high schools.”
“Oh, that Joe Lieberman,” Prima Diva Faroushnik responded, “he’s such a roly poly oldie, isn’t he?”
The focus now shifts to the United Nations, where the debate will begin over whether or not to recognize the new government. Many western nations, including Great Britain and Japan, are concerned that if they do, the Dance Dance Revolution may be exported to their countries. On the other hand, their people are clamouring for the glamour and wondrousness that is such a large part of the DDR appeal.
Cutie Tony Blair, Britain’s Ambassador to the UN, explained: “We will resist any attempts by the DDR to export its ideology of fabulousness to other nations. Every country has the right to determine its own levels of this precious social commodity. If the Dance Dance Nation is willing to respect this, we would happily welcome it into the community of nations. If not…”
If the United Nations doesn’t recognize the new state of Dance Dance Nation, the economic repercussions could devastate the fledgling country. Is the DDR leadership concerned about this? “You’re too tense,” Prima Diva Faroushnik playfully scolded this reporter for asking. “You should relax. Have you ever heard the song ‘Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I’ve Got Love In My Tummy?’ It’s got a great beat, and you can really dance to it!”