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Chapter 5
Alternate Politics

Red Blood + Whitewash + Blue Nation = Blackwater

by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer

Congress has mustered the two thirds vote necessary to override the President’s veto and passed a bill to get all American troops out of Iraq by the end of 2009.

Think the war is over? Think again.

If it starts pulling troops out of Iraq in anticipation of ending the war, private contracting firm Blackwater plans to sue the United States government for breach of contract. “We have many contracts for services in Iraq that extend well past 2012,” Blackwater spokesman Kenneth Starr (yes, that Kenny Starr! He’s graduated from Whitewater to Blackwater!) stated. “Those contracts could be put in jeopardy if the war ends prematurely.”

Other major contractors such as Halliburton are also considering legal action to ensure their contracts are fulfilled.

“We have to take the possibility of lawsuits seriously,” an unnamed White House source, who asked to remain anonymous while assuring us that he has no personal interest in the outcome of such a case because he is in no way connected to any of the private contractors working in Iraq, stated. “Aside from the implications for international relations – the suggestion that the United States government cannot be trusted to live up to its contractual obligations – it may simply cost us less to continue the war until the contracts run out than it would to end the war and engage in a costly legal battle. Wah wah wah.”

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid said Congress is considering its options in the face of the Whitewater lawsuit threat. On the one hand, he could hide under his desk and hope the issue goes away. On the other hand, he could take a much more proactive stance by going on vacation until the issue goes away. “The Democrats will not be pressured into a quick decision on an issue of such national importance,” Reid stated.

Lawyers are divided on the merits of a lawsuit to continue the war. Orlando Spengler, speaking for the vast majority of members of the American Bar Association, dismisses such speculation as absurd. “Last time I checked, the United States was a sovereign nation,” Spengler said. “We don’t subordinate our national interests – especially our security interests – to commercial concerns.”

“Aww, Spengler’s talking out his ass again,” Maxime Millions, speaking for the vastness of herself (she could really stand to lose some weight), responded. “Subordinating national interests to commercial concerns is what America does best! In fact, we’re a world leader in the idea, which we have successfully exported to countries around the world.

“But, ahh, maybe it would be best to let a judge decide.”

If the lawsuit begins, families of soldiers overseas could sue Blackwater and other Iraqi contractors for “wrongful death,” claiming that any soldiers who died after a government pullout deadline would do so needlessly. Blackwater is rumoured to be preparing to counter with a “wrongful life” lawsuit, claiming soldiers who don’t die in combat are wussies who are a disgrace to the uniform. It sounds much better in legalese…

An unnamed White House source, one who assured us he’s different from the first White House Source (and still has no personal interest – either financial or political – in the outcome of the Blackwater case), believed that the lawsuits would be worthwhile. “See, war – it’s a terrible thing,” the source said. “You don’t wanna do it if you don’t have to, and you want it to end as quick as possible. But see, when I said that people should go about their business after 9 – I mean, when the President said that people should go about their business after 9/11, I – he included lawyers in that. See, lawyers are people, too. That’s what makes America great.”

Congressional leaders have demanded that the Bush administration stop handing out contracts for private work in Iraq until this issue is resolved. And, of course, when we say “demanded,” we really mean “politely suggested in the most reverent tones.” The fear is that if the first Blackwater court case is successful, the administration can continue to wage the war against the will of Congress by continually handing out more contracts to private companies, or by giving out contracts that last decades.

Senate Majority leader Reid was believed to be hiding under his desk and was unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile, three American soldiers were killed and seven wounded when a falafel exploded in the Iraqi police station to which they were assigned. This brings to 4,987 the number of American soldiers who have died in the Iraq war.

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