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Chapter 5
Alternate Politics

DoD Can’t Hack It!

by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer

The Department of Defense Web site has been taken down. In its place is an “under construction” graphic. How do you know it was done in a hurry? The graphic hasn’t even been customized with AK47s or Sidewinder missiles.

Irina Ketchum, DoD spokeweasel du jour, says the site is undergoing “unexpected routine maintenance,” and that people shouldn’t read anything into it. However, people who saw the site in the hours before it was taken down tell a different story.

“It was full of naked people f*ck*ing!” Georgianis Stephanopol, amateur military expert, exclaimed.

According to sources within the DoD, all of the images of people with big American weapons killing people without big American weapons in foreign lands had been replaced by images of men and women with big American genitalia in a variety of sexual positions. “What they did to the Defense Web site was obscene!!” Stephanopol exclaimed further.

According to insecure security experts, somebody must have hacked into the DoD site and changed the images. However, internal DoD documents indicate that they didn’t stop there: they infected DoD computers with a virus that changed the images of war to images of love whenever the DoD tried to restore them.

“Big Mac indicates Mona Lisa compromise subjunctive variable,” one such memo read. “Must avoid defragmentation before POTUS gets off the toilet! WTF?!”

Nobody is certain exactly what each of the terms in the memo means, but it is clear proof of what we said two paragraphs ago. In any case, being unable to change the graphics, members of the DoD brain trust (people who are keeping their brains in a trust so that they may be called upon when needed at some indeterminate time in the future) decided to shut down the entire site.

The implications of this attack on the DoD computers were so horrific that the Department immediately denied it had happened.

“Why, no,” Ketchum said with an unconvincing laugh. “that didn’t happen. No. Nope. No way. If what you’re saying is true, it means that somebody – some irresponsible prankster…proto-terrorist – has hacked the most important computer system of the strongest military in the world, the last line of our national defense. That…that’s inconceivable.”

To bolster the argument, the President gave Variation 27a-C Mauve of his “We’re winning the war on terrorism” speech to an enthusiastic audience of senile veterans.

This may not be enough to convince skeptics, however, as a copy of the hacked site could be found on the Way Back Machine, an Internet archive site. It clearly shows the rhetoric of the DoD (prominently including such patriotic sentiments as “love your country,” “do your duty” and “…rip the flesh off human scum without the criminal liability that would accrue if you did it at home, and who wouldn’t want to be able to do that?”) illustrated with pictures of human bodies without clothing pleasuring each other in a variety of ways.

“Well, yes, that was what we captured,” the curator of the Way Back Machine, one Mister Peabody, stated. “It would definitely appear that the Department of Defense Web site was compromised.”

“Not only that,” his human, Sherman, added, “but somebody hacked into it real good!”

“I wouldn’t take that too seriously,” Ketchum stated, her laughter becoming more hollow and brittle by the second. “Our maintenance protocol calls for the periodic substitution of ordinary graphics with pornographic graphics to test our IT team’s response time. Yeah, that’s it. It was an IT team response time test. That’s what the memo you quoted from eight paragraphs ago really means.”

Some in Washington don’t understand what the problem is. “We’ve all seen pornographic pictures before,” Democratic Senator Edward Kennedy commented, quickly adding: “I’m told! I mean, I’ve been told that we’ve all seen pornographic pictures before, not that I have any first-hand knowledge of such a thing!”

On the other hand, Senator and Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has introduced a bill making “inappropriate display of pornographic images” on government Web sites punishable by immediate rendition to unpleasant places. “I know that may sound harsh,” Clinton defended the bill, “but I have an election to win, and, anyway, it’s a sign of disrespect for our fighting women throughout the world…and, I suppose, our fighting men, too… Whatever.”

The Department of Defence does not know when the site will be back up, but they are looking for the hacker. “You would do your country a great service by coming forward,” Ketchum said, completely reversing her excuse of three paragraphs ago. “Please. Please. We beg you. Pretty please?”

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