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Chapter 5
Alternate Politics

The Old Ball Game Is Juiced

by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer

At the height of his career, porn star Buck Ramsey stared down bevies of beautiful, busty blondes with an intensity that was unrivalled in the industry. Yesterday, that focus was trained on members of Congress who were investigating allegations of illegal drug use in Major League Pornography.

“I have never used HGH, Viagra or any other performance enhancing drugs,” Ramsey told the packed and hushed room in – ironically – the Ramsey Building on Capital Hill.

Critics of MLP argue, however, that the record pretty much speaks for itself. “Is – what? Sorry – is the tape recorder working?” stated former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell, whose 400 page report on performance enhancing drugs in the adult entertainment industry sparked the Congressional investigation. “It is? Okay. Good. My posi –”

Most male porn stars peak in their mid-20s and see a decline in their athletic prowess throughout their 30s. This is measured by a variety of statistics: number of movies per year, gallons of sperm per ejaculation, length of orgasm, etc. By the time they have reached 40, the careers of male porn stars have usually been reduced to novelty or nostalgia acts, or, most often, the actors have had to retire.

Not so with Ramsey, whose stats actually improved in his early 40s. (Interested readers can find the dry numbers on the government Web site for the hearings; those who would like a more colourful interpretation of the numbers can find it on the Vivid Pictures Web site.) While this reporter was fixing his tape recorder, Mitchell argued that it was highly unlikely that Ramsey’s performance could have been natural – the human body simply doesn’t work that way. “…oesn’t work that way,” Mitchell stated.

This opinion was supported by the testimony of Brian McNamee, former physical trainer and voice coach of Ramsey. McNamee claimed that Ramsey would show up at his home late at night, desperate that his career was fading; to placate the star, McNamee would inject him with horse steroids, talcum powder, Viagra pills that had accidentally been crushed when his three year-old daughter sat on them and whatever else he had to hand. “Some of that shit must have worked,” McNamee testified, “because his performances actually got better.”

Support for the theory also came from Ron Jeremy, a close friend of Ramsey’s in the porn industry, who testified that Ramsey had told him on 27 separate occasions that he had been taking Viagra.

Ramsey denied he had received illegal drugs from McNamee and insisted that Jeremy must have heard him wrong…all 27 times.

Opinion on the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform split along party lines. “It’s hard to believe you, sir,” Democratic Representative Elijah Cummings told Ramsey. “I hate to say that. You’re one of my heroes. But it’s hard to believe.”

Republican Representative Dan Burton, on the other hand, told McNamee: “You’re here under oath, and yet we have lie after lie after lie after lie.” Christopher Shays, a different Republican Representative, repeatedly called McNamee a “drug dealer.”

Some observers wondered why Congress was holding hearings on the subject when there was a much more pressing problem – the Iraq war and the subprime mortgage fiasco – okay, two much more pressing problems – oh, and we mustn’t forget the trillion dollar budget deficit – hold on, let me start again: some observers wondered why Congress was holding hearings on the subject when there were many more pressing problems – the Iraq war, the subprime mortgage fiasco and the trillion dollar budget deficit among them – for Congress to look at.

In an exclusive interview, House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform Chairman Henry Waxman answered the criticism: “Pornography is…erica’s passti…bove reproa…grace the nation with…ternational laughingsto…squids on their genitals unti…derstand that certain behaviours are simply unacceptable!”

This reporter clearly needs better recording equipment.

The Congressional hearings ironically started the day after New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned after it was revealed that he had paid over $4,000 to take part in an illegal baseball game. (Yeah, we know – what kind of baseball action is worth $4,000? That’s not why we’re bringing it up, though, so try to ignore that question.)

“I have disgraced my position and brought shame to my family by paying to play baseball,” Spitzer said at the press conference at which he resigned. “I can only hope that, over time, I can win back everybody’s trust.”

Unlike Ramsey, Spitzer accepted responsibility with grace.

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