Gang War Nets Littlest Victim To Date
by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer
Little Timmy Teena had all of the dreams of a two and a half month old baby. Eating. Sleeping. Pooping. Drooling. Cooing. Getting into an upscale pre-pre-pre-pre-kindergarten to better his chances of getting into an Ivy League school. Marrying a supermodel and helping her overcome the drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. And, of course, crawling.
Sadly, he didn’t even make it to three.
At 7:32 PM Saturday, Little Timmy Teena was shot in the head by a driveby gangburgerer, to the horror of his mother, who was on the corner getting her daily fix of hamburger and fries (aka: The Happy Meal, Happy, HapMe and Crystal Burg). The intended victim is believed to be DeShawn DeAndre, a low level pusher of fatty foods.
Little Timmy Teena was pronounced dead on arrival at Cedars Gaza Hospital.
DeAndre is known to be a member of the McDs, a gang that peddles burgers, fries and other unhealthy foods subject to the Illegal Substances Revision Act. The McDs are believed to be at war with rival gang the BKings for control of lucrative downtown turf.
“You wanna get them high class businessmen on their lunch break,” a member of McDs, who asked to be identified only as “DeMalcolm,” explained. “Tha’s where the real money is. It’s all about what corners you done at, man, it be all about da corners.”
Little Timmy Teena is the 237th driveby shooting victim in the past week and a half. Oddly enough, none of the victims have been gang members.
“It’s an outrage!” fumed Councilman Roberta Bodnar. “The whole point of banning fast food was to make people healthier, not kill them more quickly!”
“Of course, the war on junk food has had the opposite effect of the one intended,” gloated sociologist Myron Frenkhampton. “Not only has the murder rate increased, but people are resorting to theft to be able to afford their regular fatty food fixes, prices are skyrocketing because law enforcement is choking off the supply of burgers and – and this is the killer – more people are hooked on junk food than ever!”
Acknowledging all of Frenkhampton’s statistics, Councilman Bodnar, smoke billowing out of her ears, stated: “Yes, the problem has been growing since the introduction of the Illegal Substances Revision Act. The answer should be obvious: we need more police on the streets!”
“Naah, man, tha’s stupid,” DeMalcolm said. “I don’t got no advanced degrees or nothing, but even I know that da only way ta stop the killin’s is to make fast food legal. If it be legitimate, it can be regulated, and, hey, yo, if it can be regulated, man, it can be taxed. Just like marijuana or…or heroin.”
“Kid’s got a point,” Frenkhampton agreed.
Councilman Bodnar’s fumes began filling the room. She argued that fast food was a lethal substance, and that legalizing it would just encourage people to use it more. “There’s a moral imperative here,” she nearly exploded. “As a society, we can’t allow people to destroy themselves with fatty patties and non-dairy, chemical milkshakes!”
This is the usual argument of the law and order crowd. However, as Frenkhampton pointed out, there is a double standard inherent in this position: while the full weight of the law is brought down on those who eat burgers, there is no law against eating calamari, potato chips or foods laden with unhealthy sugars like apple pie.
“Burgers are the food of the poor,” Frenkhampton commented. “Calimari is the food of the wealthy. Do I have to draw you a map?”
“Naah, I don’ need no map to know that that shit be racist, yo,” DeMalcolm stated. He pointed out that since blacks are disproportionately poor, banning the bad eating choices of the poor disproportionately penalizes blacks. The statistics would seem to bear him out: since the war on junk food started in the 1980s, blacks have been incarcerated at a rate three times higher than the general population.
“That shit ain’t fair man,” DeMalcolm summed up the situation. “That shit ain’t right.”
Meanwhile, thanks to the war on junk food another mother grieves the death of her innocent child. “Hey, man, you holdin’?” she asked, her hands shaking slightly and her voice cracking. “I need a burger, man. I’ll pay you first of the month, man, I swear. Come on. A fry – gimme a fry. One little fry! Who would it hurt?”
Little Timmy Teena’s funeral will be held at 2pm this afternoon.