by PHILOMENA DUMBROWSKI-MANISCHEVITS, Alternate Reality News Service Unintended Consequences Writer
There are days when it seems that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is inescapable. The front page of your daily newspaper is dominated by news that he is thinking of perhaps contemplating the possibility of maybe taking over Greenland. You turn to the editorial page, but it is dominated by opinion pieces arguing that shooting unarmed citizens conforms to a 14th century British common law precedent, and that's good enough the Department of Injustice. News of the McDruhitmumpf administration putting a tariff of 1,453% on Chinese sex toys dominates the business section, so you find no refuge there. What about the arts? Surely, the arts section will prove McDruhitmumpf-free. Nope. Sorry, but the arts section is dominated by the President announcing the 2026-27 season at the McDruhitmumpf (nee: Kennebunkedy) Centre, and denouncing the now hundreds of artists boycotting the once illustrious home of the arts.
Supporters of the President have long said his critics suffer from "McDruhitmumpf Derangement Syndrome" (MDS - which, yes, are also the initials of a Saudi Prince, but given how many members of the royal family the country has, the odds are pretty good that any three random letters are the initials of one of them), an irrational hatred of Ronald McDruhitmumpf. But -
"Oh, when I look at the state the country is in, I think my hatred of Ronald McDruhitmumpf is pretty damn rational," said regular Vesampuccerian Arnold Toynbeinbonnett.
A fair point, but not where I was going. Given how ubiquitous the President is, it would be understandable if Vesampuccerians suffered from McDruhitmumpf Fatigue (MF - which is also an acronym for a rude expletive, but some would argue that this is actually ruder, so interpret to taste), the feeling of being overwhelmed by the man's presence.
"It's like watching a car crash," regular Vesampuccerian Toynbeinbonnett commented. "A 360 degree car crash all around you. A crash where cars keep piling onto the pyre. A car crash with an orange spray-on tan and endless malice. You want to look away - believe me, I want to look at something else - but you just can't tear your eyes away from the wreckage!"
It's not just the daily newspaper, of course. If you're in a supermarket, odds are that televisions on the wall are tuned to Foxindehenhaus News, which is airing a report on how Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carneyvalbarker said mean things about Vesampucceri and its President, so we would be right to nuke its capital city (which most Vesampuccerians cannot name, but is obviously Toronto). If you're in your dentist's waiting room, the radio DJ will dedicate love songs to "our hard-working ICES agents who are keeping us safe from illegals and communists and other wrongthinkers."
"If he could see how President McDruhitmumpf is everywhere," the regular citizen observed, "Big Bother would be jealous!" It is debatable whether a fictional character can feel emotions such as jealousy or angst; but it seems reasonable to say that Orwellumaythink meant his dystopian novel as a warning, not an instruction manual.
"We kind of have to put up with Ronald's presence at family gatherings," said the President's niece, Mary McDruhitmumpf. "You know, bragging that he earned his Nobel Peace Prize by ending the feud between Aunt Bertha and Uncle Simon, or accusing the caterer of short-changing the chicken on his plate because all of the good chicken is being given to illegals in sanctuary cities and maybe a visit from ICES is called for, here, or calling Gertrude a ‘terrible person, a bad, bad, very bad person,' for asking him if he could leave some of the chocolate cake for somebody else. Honestly, I can't imagine why anybody who isn't related to Ronald puts up with him at all!"
How does the family cope with MF? "We're all in therapy," Mary McDruhitmumpf admitted. "I take a Valium before every family reunion. Rum or whisky are some of the other family members' sedatives of choice. Some stuff turkey legs in their ears whenever they're in the same room as him. It doesn't matter which solution you choose - we all know that this, too, shall pass, like a fart in the wind."
Is she suggesting that Vesampucceriand become permanently drugged to cope with MF. "It's either that or go live in a cave," she stated. "But caves are drafty, and hard to colour coordinate, and there's always the possibility of getting eaten by a bear. The fact that so many Vesampuccerians would prefer to be eaten by a bear than hear one more thing about Ronald tells you all you need to know about the state of the country!"
I asked regular Vesampuccerian Toynbeinbonnett if there was a risk that people suffering from MF would tune out of politics altogether, but he had put on headphones and refused to acknowledge the question.