Thank you, Blue's Slews, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, the world is such a mess right now we didn't have the heart to write an introduction, so have an image of a cute kitty instead:
Nope, we didn't have the energy to find a picture of a cute kitty. Yeah, we know they're all over the internet, but whatever. Did we mention the world is in really terrible shape? Tell you what: here: have our signature instead:
Enjoy,
Influencing a newspaper's editorial policy is not difficult. You simply have to shout. Loudly. Very loudly. More loudly than the academics and Communists who oppose you (who, honestly, prefer writing academic papers or manifestos to shouting, so it isn't hard). The process looks something like this:
| 1 | Is a newspaper's editorial page made up 100% of Conservative commentators? | |
| YES | 2 | Praise it for it's balanced journalism. |
| NO | 3 | Bitterly attack the newspaper's left-wing editorial bias. |
| 4 | In response to the attacks on its editorial board, does the newspaper add more Conservative commentators to its editorial pages? | |
| YES | GO TO 1 | |
| NO | GO TO 3 |
If the algorithm seems too simple, keep in mind that publishers are allergic to public criticism: it makes their balance sheets break out in red ink blotches. Just be loud. If you're loud enough, you, too, may find yourself on the editorial board of a liberal *WINK WINK* newspaper!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Satire Doesn't Have To Be Subtle
ANNOUNCER: This is how we keep Ontario fearful.
MAN: We play up the most horrific crimes to convince people that crime is so prevalent that we need to put more cops on the street.
WOMAN: We ignore all the research that shows that social programs are better at keeping criminals from becoming recidivists in order to build more prisons.
CHILD: It means there's no need to worry letting me play at the park. Most children are molested by people they know, but you wouldn't want a stranger to come anywhere near your children, would you, mommy?
ANNOUNCER: In order to better serve our pro-incarceration agenda, we have instituted changes that will increase police budgets and keep those convicted of crime in jail longer. This is why we keep Ontario fearful. A message from the government of Ontario.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1208552637]
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Ontario Premier Doug Ford received an honorary degree for humanitarian and philanthropic work from an American university. But the joke was on him: he thought he was getting the Michigan University Peace Prize!
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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"Would You Like To Take Another Stab At It, Or Should We Just Move On To The Next Question?"
Steve Paikin: You're Jewish at a time when anti-semitism in this world is extremely high. Very high. Like, higher than an elephant's eye, high. Israel probably has fewer friends than ever, and it's not like it was the life of the Middle Eastern party to begin with. Do you feel that in your daily life?
Mark Shapiro: Not really. My Judaism is very important to me. That's why I feel strongly that Jews are the Chosen People who have to be a moral example for the world to follow. Which means we must oppose injustice wherever we see it, such as in Gaza, where Israel is committing genocide.
Paikin: Oh. Okay. Well, we can always edit that out before publication...
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500-038962738764715380-63-2427cahs01.html]
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Keep In Mind These Were The Responses That Made The Most Sense!
It's a cliche in journalistic circles, but we had a column to fill so we didn't let that stop us from asking 100 Americans if their lives were better now than they were before Donald Trump took office for the second time. This is a sampling of some of their responses:
"Much better now! I love dirt! I love rolling in it - it's so tactile! I love eating it. I love all of its medicinal properties. And thanks to President Trump, it's all I can afford, so I get to enjoy it all the time, now!" (Apollonia Stewartess; waitress, housekeeper, uber driver; Mount Phaedra, New Mexico)
"Absolutely. Now that I no longer have health care, I can look forward to starting my next turn on the wheel of existence! Maybe I'll take a break from the endless rounds of desire and suffering for a little while. And I wouldn't even have to be contemplating this eventuality if it wasn't for President Trump!" (Stephen Whitlissacker; former steelworker; Pizzicotti, Alabama)
"So much better now. I'm on my way to becoming the first trillionaire in the history of the world - who wouldn't love that?" (Elon Musk...ard. And relish. Elon Muskardandrelish; part-time government hatchet man, full-time dreamer; somewhere between here and Mars)
"That's a gotchya question! I'm not gonna answer a gotchya question! That's just what they want you to do! I'm not gonna say anything to make the President look bad, so I'm just gonna shut up now. Lips sealed. Mumf fumf mumf garrumph!" (Mumfrey Fumferson; former speech therapist; Vista Buela, Montana)
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2026-05-18-the-eternal-journalistic-question_x.htm]
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It's Unfortunate That "Greater Israel" Requires "Lesser Humanity"
Imagine you're a lowly software agent in an Israeli bot farm. It happens. Your job is to scour social media for posts that accuse Israel of committing genocide and make profane remarks about the poster's intelligence, lineage or pets. Or, if your programming is especially ambitious, all three. Why not? - it's an honest day's work. Loosely defined.
Unfortunately, you have to contend with groups of videos of Israelis calling for genocide. Granted, Zionists are not known for timidity, but most people know better than to openly brag about committing war crimes where just anybody can hear them. Honestly, it's enough to drive a poor bot to drink!
Today's prominent genocide advocate is Israel's Transport, National Infrastructure and Road Safety Minister Miri Regev. What does ethnic cleansing have to do with road safety? Obviously, you can't drive safely over a road littered with dead bodies - duh! Some people take the cleansing part of ethnic cleansing seriously.
Unfortunately, bots don't get danger pay. Because it's days like today when they really earn it!
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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